Credit: Harper Collins
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  • Harper Collins

Since losing the 2008 presidential election and almost completing a full term as governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has remained on the edge of the national consciousness. She’s like America’s racist aunt; not evil, just painfully ignorant and around the holidays she usually opens her mouth and says something embarrassing.

Her newest book Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas is like her others: a delightful read if you’re able to disconnect the hate part of your brain and just focus on the imaginary world she creates. It’s an amusing, Seussian world, featuring combinations of real and made-up words. “Obamacare death panels.” “Lamestream media.” And don’t forget, “Liberal militant atheist secularists”, the word-salad Grinches of her holiday diatribe. Instead of stealing Christmas with a Santa suit, they use what she calls “an extreme legal technicality” and other people might call “constitutional protection against establishment of state religion.”

Her inability to use words correctly illustrates perfectly her disconnection from the world. My favorite example is her heartwarming story about Christmas 2012, which fell right after the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. To celebrate the event (I guess?) she bought Todd Palin a gun for Christmas, which she referred to as an act of “civil disobedience”. Not only is that a hilarious re-purposing of a term with a noble history, it’s also a perfect misuse of BOTH WORDS. Buying guns is both legal and dangerous, making it an act of uncivil obedience.

But words are as far as she can think. At one point she gets so frustrated trying to put together complete thoughts (or reaching her publisher-required word count) she just starts spewing random words. “I’ve told you the power of words, so here are some good old fashioned words: Work. Honesty. Courage. Justice. Perseverance.” If only somebody had told her the power of sentences!

If sentences are hard for her, logic is completely out of the question. Good Tidings reads like an exam question in Logical Fallacies 101. One third of the book is her vision of Christmas Yet To Come, in which she details all the horrible things that have happened because we lost respect for Jesusy Christmas. “You guys, in this future that I just made up, everything is terrible! So we should change.”

Um, argument ad imaginarium? Good work, Alex. 10 points.

Here’s how she deals with the fact that Christmas isn’t historically Christian: “Does that mean Christians won the war on Saturnalia? You bet! And that shows the power of new traditions to shape culture.” This in a book about how the way Christmas is being shaped by modern culture is inherently evil!

Argument self-contradictorium? Correct! 15 points.

And most importantly, she really wants to prove that belief in God makes one good and atheism makes one evil. “It was good Christians who opposed slavery and helped end segregation.” And who was opposing them? Did I miss the part where a national coalition of atheists were pushing for slavery?

This one’s actually got a real name, affirming a disjunct. 25 points!

Stores need to say Merry Christmas because that’s the true meaning of the season but buying things isn’t the meaning of Christmas so it doesn’t matter what stores say but it’s really important to them that you acknowledge their religion because words matter but militant atheists shouldn’t get so easily offended by some simple words like “merry Christmas”.

I’m just going to call that one argument ad Palinium for 50 points and an A+.

Again, she’s not evil, she’s just suffering from a major case of the stupids. The fun thing about reading Palin’s books is she spent her life in a town of 9,000 and she doesn’t read the news. When she feels attacked by The War on Christmas, it’s actually the horrible realization that other people exist laying siege to her mental walls.

Alex is a moderately attractive comedian and Internet celebrity. He writes about philosophy, robots, travel, and himself.

26 replies on “I Read Sarah Palin’s New Book About the War on Christmas. Here’s What I Learned.”

  2. I think the reason people denigrate Palin is the same reason they vote for liberals who wreck the economy and take away our freedom,they are simply ignorant.

  3. Alex Falcone apparently has his panties in a wad. Palin is richer, more accomplished and yes, quite a bit smarter than he is and the jealousy shows through.

  4. Palinbots in the house. For the love of everything good and interesting in the world, please change it up, ok ? “Palin is richer, smarter , blah yada etc”. Same line since her glorious (ack) debut onto the national stage. No one fears her. No one is jealous. She is a joke. We are in awe that any segment of our nation , at that time, held her aloft, because so many of us saw straight through to the fact that there was nothing to admire. She’s downright foolish and idiotic. Not fear that you’re seeing – it’s astonishment. And also horror that she had a chance to be 2nd at the helm. O M G. She’s an IDIOT ! And she ushered in the next parade of idiots to run for the highest seat in our land. Seriously? Herman Cain ?? WTF ?

  8. “If only somebody had told her the power of sentences!”

    Don’t get me started….

    I clicked on a link to hear some of the audio book. And this is what I heard:

    Sarah Palin: (regarding the term “Christmas”) “Why are people scared of one little word? What’s the big friggin’ dil?”

    I am a conservative Republican. But I also have an education. Plus my mom was an English teacher. And my parents taught me never to quit.

    Regarding Sarah Palin? Three strikes and you are out. Sorry.

  9. What specific evidence is there of racism on Sarah Palin’s part? I keep hearing her called racist, but I have yet to encounter anybody who can provide one solid piece of evidence to back this charge.

    It seems like all liberals believe she racist simply because all liberals believe she’s racist. They require no further proof, which is indicative of intellectually stunted thinking.

  10. Robert Michael Simon went to the Sarah Palin School of Grammar and Logic, I see. Favorite classes include “Names You Can Call Liberals,” “How to Use Three or More Unrelated Topics in One Sentence,” and “Family Friendly Speaking Points You Can Use When Your Unwed Teen Daughter Turns Out To Have God’s Blessing In Her Tum-tum.”

  12. Alex Falcone, in answer to your question, this article was posted on an Alaskan blog, the owner of which is all too familiar with Palin and her psychoses. Her paid “consultants” and bots lie in wait for anyone to disparage their golden calf and descend to attack. Best to ignore them; it’s their modus operandi.

  14. “She’s like America’s racist aunt; not evil, just painfully ignorant and around the holidays she usually opens her mouth and says something embarrassing.”

    With this line in the first paragraph, how could any person believe the author’s mind would be open to learning anything?

    Sad how closed-minded liberals can be.

  16. “I am a conservative Republican. But I also have an education. Plus my mom was an English teacher. And my parents taught me never to quit.”

    @Greg Culross

    If you had an education, you’d know that there is no shortage of career politicians in D.C. that have us in the mess we’re in. Palin’s half term delivered a balanced budget, an overhaul to education, and a slap to oil company executives and corrupt Republicans who probably used the same lame talking points you use when trying to take down a reformer like Sarah Palin.

    You guys can keep trying, but she’s not going away.

  17. To whom it may concern…she is NOT a “reformer.” She’s a quitter. Plain and simple, she broke her promise to her electorate, gave her Lt. Gov. a two week notice that she was resigning. What if we all “quit” when under what appeared to be insurmountable odds? Republicans who voted for her, admired her, were dumbfounded at her actions. Lets face it…she was no longer interested in Alaska. She had a taste of politics on the federal level…was really angry that she lost,…the look on her face when she returned to office said it all —why am I still here? Unfortunately…why is she still in the public eye? Alex Falcone’s assessment is correct. She had her opportunity to return to Alaska, become informed and make a difference. She didn’t. She still pumps out uninformed “word salad.” No there is NOT a war on Christmas. If anyone is a “Grinch”..she is. Christmas…dear Sarah, is still happening. We all celebrate, whether we embrace the faith or not. It is happening in every room of the White House with a Christmas tree. However, and in accordance with our founding fathers…we do also embrace a separation of Church and State…so that we can enjoy our religious freedoms…a history lesson that Sarah Palin just doesn’t get.

  18. I love Sarah Palin and everything she represents. And I am buying her book to give as Christmas gifts and keep one for myself!

  21. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all the old white men from Indiana for coming here to tell me they wish I was more attractive. Please click on the ads before you leave!

  22. I love this taking away “our freedom” claim from conservatives. What freedoms are liberals taking away? What freedoms would conservatives grant us? What kind of world are you talking about? Do you think your right to think with the majority, and practice the majority religion, is a freedom unique to America? Is Kim Jong Un opposed to people flying his national flag, saying his national motto, and celebrating his national holidays? You need only look at how conservatives have run the government (into the ground), and at the wealth disparity between conservative run and democratic run states to see the total stupidity of your claims. I will grant you the “Sarah Palin is racist” thing goes too far, and you’re right that liberals just toss it out with no reason.

  25. I sincerely hope that Mrs. Palin continues to write her books, make her press statements, and keep pushing forward her noble agenda. Her and Michelle Bachmann are national treasures.

    After all, the SNL skits are priceless.

  26. @ Alex…come on my friend, don’t dig on Indiana’s large population of tea party advocates (mostly consisting of white middle-aged men). No, seriously, that’s my job @ (http://muncievoice.com), where I will be sharing your review for my followers. Thanks for the review. This middle-aged white man followed the link Matt Taibbi posted on the Rolling Stone. Alway’s love Matt’s take on Palinites, and Banksters.

    Since my humor must have have come from the Brits, I really enjoyed, “Her inability to use words correctly illustrates perfectly her disconnection from the world.”

    Great stuff!

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