I Love Television

You win, Gossip Girl! Now, normally when I find myself disagreeing with a TV show, I almost always emerge the winner. Friday Night Lights? I don’t care if a billion people love you, I think you STINK—therefore I WIN. And that animal show starring the dead Crocodile Hunter’s daughter? Her big teeth creep me out—therefore […]

I am unfortunate enough to work in an office where they allow dogs. YES, I’ve read the statistics… employees are more relaxed, productivity goes up… blah, blah, blah. And yet? I STILL DON’T LIKE IT. Call me grumpy, but I have the same problem with dogs that I have with any coworker who runs around […]

Guess what? I just ate an entire pork log! But here’s the funny thing: I didn’t even know it was a pork log when I bought it! See, I was at this Vietnamese grocery store purchasing one of those crazy delicious banh mi sandwiches (you should try one), and the pork logs were sitting right […]

OMMFG! R U SO XCITED @ THE NU “90210”? ROTF! (Okay, look. I hate this new “text messaging” language as much as anyone—but if the boss says, “Lure in the 14-to-25-year-old demographic, or it’s YOUR ASS!” then I certainly don’t want it to be my ass. I would much rather it be someone else’s ass, […]

First of all, after this week’s episode, Lost (ABC, Thurs, March 20, 9 pm) will be taking a four-week hiatus. “A FOUR FREAKING WEEK HIATUS?? WHAT THE FRAK ARE YOU TALKIN’ ‘BOUT, HUMPY?!” you whisper. “THE STUPID SEASON JUST STARTED, SO HOW CAN THEY BE TAKING A FRIKITY-FRAKKIN’ HIATUS?!? I WILL KILL YOU!!” Okay. So […]

A couple of important television notes before we get to today’s pressing topic: Sexy Millard Fillmore. (1) OMG! Dancing with the Stars returns this Monday (ABC, 8 pm) and not only does it feature my hirsute idol Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg as a contestant, but also deaf Marlee Matlin. I’m really digging that Dancing insists on […]

Before we address the topic that you’re probably a goddamn liar, let’s make quick mention of three shows you should watch this week: (1) The Wire series finale (HBO, Sun March 9, 9 pm). This show is kind of like Battlestar Galactica for normal people—except The Wire will never be as good as BSG because […]

Ever had a moment, after hearing news so utterly astounding, so unbelievably wonderful that you can only sit quietly and tremble with your hand over your mouth? Well, my friends, I recently had such a moment after learning that one of my favorite celebrities is joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. It is […]

Are you happy the writers’ strike is finally over? Well, I most certainly am… NOT!! What people fail to realize is that “desperation” makes for the best television. And when there are no writers to sit around and snort coke all day before finally deciding to churn out some fart jokes for Two and a […]

As you may have already gathered, I am nothing if not obsessive-compulsive. Example: My current TV obsession du jour is the new American Gladiators, and in particular, the show’s most awesome gladiator, WOLF! Why have I developed such an unnatural man-crush on this character? ALLOW ME TO ELUCIDATE: (1) He beats people up—but in a […]