I Love Television

When it comes to this week’s lineup of television options… I HAVE QUESTIONS. And not “rhetorical” questions either. These are more like “I demand ANSWERS” sort of questions. For example, why am I always finding used condoms on the sidewalk? This is not rhetorical… I really want to know! Are YOU one of those people […]

There are only three programs you need to be concerned about this week: the return of Lost, the Super Bowl, and “Super Tuesday.” Actually… scratch those last two. While watching homoerotic meatbags feel each other up on a football field and viewing ineffectual politicians intellectually masturbate may be of interest to some people, most of […]

My fellow Americans: We have a serious and potentially life-threatening problem facing our nation this week. Shockingly, the president of the United States has scheduled his State of the Union address to directly conflict with not one, but TWO of my fave new shows! First, there’s American Gladiators (a show which has already been proven—by […]

Let’s establish one thing here and now: The new American Gladiators show is the greatest thing that has ever happened to humankind. Yes, even better than handjobs. Perhaps it’s because this seemingly endless writers’ strike has turned the TV landscape into a bleak, colorless desert of abject misery… or perhaps it’s just because American Gladiators […]

As you may have heard, American Idol returns to TV this week (Fox, Tues Jan 15, 8 pm), which means I’m going to buy a shotgun to blow my head off (Wal-Mart, Mon Jan 14, on sale $24.99). Don’t these Idol people have any respect for the sanctity of human life? They know how I […]

I really hate those a-hole annual year-end lists… wait. No, I LOVE THEM! (Especially when I’m the a-hole writing it.) See, I can’t figure out how I feel about 2007: Did I love it? Or hate it? As it turns out, in a year that saw the series finales of some of my faves (The […]

Look… I get it. I’m a difficult person to buy for. That’s why every holiday season I publish a comprehensive list of gift ideas that you can easily purchase and slip under my tree. Now in the past, this list has comprised things one could find on network websites (such as an Office Dunder Mifflin […]

Here’s the problem with Christmas TV specials: THERE ARE NO NEW ONES. There are newish Christmas movies and shows featuring such ass-brains as Tony Danza and that straw-chewing hillbilly Toby Keith—BUT THEY DON’T COUNT. Why? Because these specials don’t feature creepy wooden puppets like in the old Rankin/Bass animated specials, such as Rudolph the Red-Nosed […]

So I’ve got this problem, and my problem is that my father isn’t Snoop Dogg. (At least I think he’s not. No… he’s definitely not.) Now, I don’t openly despise my biological father—but C’MON! He’s certainly no Snoop Dogg! For example, does Snoop Dogg wear a belt from JC Penney? No, he does not. Does […]

Logic dictates there are certain things you should never trust a 98-year-old man to do: (1) Be left alone with your girlfriend. I’m telling you, at that age, he has nothing to lose. (2) Operate heavy machinery—and remember, anything larger than a roller skate is heavy to a 98-year-old. (3) Keep you in his will. […]

Happy Thanksgiving, motherfreakers! OR IS IT? If you’re anything like me, expressing an emotion even faintly resembling “thankfulness” has become a near impossibility. How am I supposed to be “thankful” for the three inches of gum and dog feces caked on my shoe? How am I supposed to be “thankful” when the Eagles have the […]

As you may have heard, TV writers are currently on STRIKE… which, for all practical purposes, kind of puts TV columnists out of work, too! Did these bitches ever stop to consider MY feelings? Seriously… NOW what am I supposed to write about?! I suppose I could recount some of my more interesting sexual exploits… […]