I Love Television

Look. I pay GOOD MONEY to watch TV. The last time I checked, my satellite provider milks me for around 70 bones per month—and yet, what do I get? Deal or No Deal. Repeats of Wife Swap and Grey’s Anatomy. The only thing stopping me from shutting off my TV entirely and devoting my life […]

Let’s be honest: Would it be that horrible if the Japanese invaded and took over our country? THINK ABOUT IT! Everything we do, Japan does in infinitely more entertaining ways. For example, adults read comic books here, but adults read DIRTY comic books there! Yes, we have toilet paper dispensers… but the Japanese have toilet […]

So I gotta figure out how to be knighted by the queen. And this is serious, because I have no earthly idea how to get this accomplished. I did exactly 97 seconds of research on the internet (a new personal record), and I think the information I found may be outdated. For example, I’m pretty […]

There’s one hard and fast rule of fame that every celebrity should know: You can’t make money if you’re DEAD. However, this simple (and I would say obvious) rule is being ignored by today’s celebs. Take, for example, the newest reality competition debuting this week, Celebrity Circus (NBC, Wed June 11, 9:30 pm), in which […]

I’ve been called many things: a sissy, a nancy boy, a flower, a fop, a dandy, a girly man, a fancy lad, a prissy pants, a ponce, a Little Lord Fauntleroy, and even “Señorita Sweetlips” (though I don’t understand why that’s such a bad thing). In actuality, I’m the badassiest of badasses. I rarely if […]

It’s been brought to my attention that you do not see me in a sympathetic light. There could be a number of reasons for this. Here are four: (1) I view human beings primarily as meaty objects—to be sexually consumed and then carelessly discarded in a garbage can. (2) While festive, I am also indiscriminately […]

You know how I know the world is coming to an end? Because I’m SICK, and I don’t get SICK. Sick is for those people who exercise, eat healthy foods, and smoke American Spirit cigarettes. But when I get sick? There’s something seriously effed up in the world, and I’m pretty sure it’s those government-engineered […]

Who the HELL does Hilary Duff think she is?! See, I’m pretty sure I know who Hilary Duff is, because I’ve been following her career for years, and may or may not be a “platinum member” of the Hilary Duff International Fan Club. Not only do I own every episode of Lizzie McGuire on DVD, […]

I’ve got a bone to pick with you, television! As everyone CLEARLY knows, this weekend the new Iron Man movie (starring Robert Downey Jr.) hits the theaters—which means no one in the entire world will be watching ANY television this week, because they’re gonna be too freaking PSYCHED! Seriously, who gives two Frito-flavored poots about […]

Out of my way, bitches! I’ve got just a few days to make my greatest dream come true, and if any of you try to stop me? You’ll get a kick in the baloney hole! HOWEVER! I’ll pause to explain why I’m in such a rush, because (a) as a faithful I Love Television™ reader […]