I Love Television

I SWEAR TO CHRIST, there are two phrases in this world that if I hear one more time, I’m going to stroke out. One of them is “The proof is in the pudding.” I HATE that fawking phrase! You only ever hear it from the mouth of some hyper-intellectual doorknob who’s trying to bring you […]

KNOW WHAT’S great about having your own column? NOT A GODDAM THING. Oh, sure, everybody thinks just because you have a column, life is filled with prostitutes and candy corn–but it’s a LIE. The burden of having a terrifically popular column can be practically overwhelming. For example, people are always stopping me to say, “Hey, […]

MANY I LOVE TELEVISION™ readers are fond of writing in with the following two questions: “I really want to have sex with you; will you have sex with me?” and “How come they ain’t no monkeys on TV?” The answer to the first question is “YES.” Yes, I know you want to have sex with […]

LIFE IS FUNNY, isn’t it? NO! NO, IT ISN’T! Life is certainly NOT funny, and it’s especially NOT funny when NOT funny things are happening to ME. I’ll admit I’m guilty of inflicting cruel and unusual punishment upon others (especially the “unusual” kind rrrrrowrrrr!), and that I’m long overdue for some sort of karmic comeuppance. […]