I Love Television

BRACE YOURSELF for the following horrifying factoid: It has come to my attention that many I Love Television™ readers are frightfully poor! Oh, sure they may be able to scrape up enough money for the occasional SUV or line of blow, but according to a recent I Love Television™ Telephone Poll™, almost 99 percent of […]

MAY I SAY NOW, and for the record, that I fawking HATE this time of year! The waning days of summer are the WORST time for finding any entertainment on the tube. All the summer series (like Survivor) are finished, leaving us with nothing to do but pick lint out of our orifices and wait […]

THOUGH SOME MAY THINK OTHERWISE, getting thrown in jail is NOT exactly a trip to the ice cream factory. Ohhh, sure! There are those among us who think that being imprisoned is the “new” “cool” “EXTREME” “sport,” like skateboarding, mountain biking, or midget auto racing. However, take it from someone who has served HARD TIME […]

YOU KNOW, IT’S PRACTICALLY impossible for me to guzzle down a tumbler of liquor, or snort a line of coke, without a concerned I Love Television™ reader interrupting me with an ill-timed, yet very important question: “Wm. Steven Hump-Me, why does most TV suck dead duck dick?” Well, to them I say, “What do I […]

IS IT JUST ME, or are all these reality shows driving you CRAZY?!? I’m tellin’ ya, you can’t swing a dead cat on TV without smacking Survivor, Big Brother, Real World, Road Rules, or that weird real-estate infomercial featuring the two twin midgets. And it’s infecting my everyday life, too! I can’t even take a […]

FIRST THINGS FIRST! It’s come to my attention that I Love Television™ readers love nothing better than “love.” They’re loopy for “love,” and will go to great and unexpected lengths to prove it. Therefore it is with great pleasure to announce that the Mercury is starting its own personals section! It’s a terrific way to […]

HUZZAH! The results are in! After two excruciating weeks, the final numbers from the I Love Television™ Readers’™ Poll™ have been crunched and tallied by my crack team of illegal Chinese immigrants. And though they’re being shipped back today, I’d like to congratulate them on a job well done, and present each with a container […]

PEOPLE, IT’S A FACT! I loves me some Buffy the Vampire Slayer. However! As is often the case in relationships, right when you express your love, that’s when they suddenly confess, “Oh did I happen to mention I’m a Republican crack whore with a wooden leg and a permanent yeast infection?” Though there aren’t any […]

IT’S OFFICIAL! America LOVES “reality-based” shows. Gone are the days when sweaty cigarette-smoking scriptwriters sat in darkened rooms, cranking out tired-ass plots for even more tired-ass sitcoms. The way most TV executives figure it, why should they pay big bucks to some failed theater major to write a crappy script for Touched on the Swimsuit […]

THOUGH ONE MAY find it shocking, there are certain people in this world who consider me to be “evil incarnate.” They take one look at me and say, “Hey, now there’s a guy who would most certainly thump lit cigarettes at a passing kitten, tell children their parents are putting them up for adoption, and […]