I Love Television

Let the bells ring and confetti fall, because it’s time to announce the winner of my “Pitch a Reality Show™ Contest™!” As we all know, reality-show producers have money running out the ass–so why shouldn’t money be running out your ass, too?! That’s why I chose the best reality-show pitch out of all your contest […]

Before we get to today’s main topic (sexual intercourse), I’d like to touch on the topic of Jennifer Lopez (a topic many would enjoy touching on). We all know that Ms. Lopez goes by the hiphop nickname “J. Lo.” So I’m thinking, why does Jennifer get a hiphop nickname and not the rest of my […]

Here’s where I get all philosophical and shit. Ya know, a TV season is not unlike the life span of a human: It is born, it develops acne, it dies. However! Just like your father suddenly buying a new Corvette, TV seasons also experience what is known as the “midlife crisis.” That’s when a TV […]

I LOVE YOU. There, I said it! I know, I know you find my declarations of amour to exceed the bounds of good taste. Well, fawk you! ‘Cause I love you. All day long, I dream of our life together, walking hand in hand, as we sing Olivia Newton-John’s “I Honestly Love You”–or if you […]

Want to hear me lambast Vince McMahon, the King of the World Wrestling Federation? Then pack up and head out, because I LOVES ME SOME VINCE McMAHON! And while my television tastes are far too sophisticated and varied to watch only WWF wrestling shows, rest assured–my ass is on the couch every Saturday morning with […]

YA KNOW, sometimes you hear news that just makes your brain pack up its bags and take a wee trip to the Land of Drooly Nod. The news for this week is that fancypants movie director Ang Lee (best known for his film Hidden Tiger, Cinching Underpants or something like that) is in negotiations to […]

O, TEMPTATION! That deadliest of delicious fruits! Ever since God entrapped Adam and Eve with the forbidden apple, Temptation has been a bug in mankind’s bottom, eternally trying to eat its way out. Sometimes the bug says (and the following quotes work better if you employ a scratchy, screechy voice), “Christ, look at the ass […]

WHOOPEE! Today is a great fawking day, and you know why? Because Shannen Doherty has been arrested on drunk driving charges! Oh, sure, you probably know Shannen as the irresistibly sassy sis on the witchy WB show Charmed, and probably find it astonishing that Shannen could find herself in such a pickle. However–that also means […]

HEY! Do you remember that little kid who wrote in a couple weeks ago, saying that Santa Claus was a bunch of hooey, and all he really wanted was one of those fancy-pants video game systems? Well, that li’l squirt got me to thinking: Maybe I’ve been spending too much time watching television shows, and […]

YOU KNOW, I Love Television™ always takes great pleasure in answering letters from my fans–especially those who are “wee.” Here’s one now! Dear Mr. Humphrey: I am eight years old. I want a Sony PlayStation 2 from Santa, but my friends say I can forget it cuz there’s a worldwide shortage, and there ain’t no […]

HEY ROCK FANS! Wanna win tickets to see Big Star at the Crystal Ballroom on December 23? Wellfine! Then take the I Love Television™ “Quiz Before Christmas” Quiz™ and test your knowledge of TV’s favorite holiday specials, featuring Rudolph, the Grinch, Frosty, Santa, and the king of all martyrs, Charlie Brown. Upon completion, send your […]

A FAMOUS PERSON once said, “Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little inside.” Whoever said this clever little homily is irrelevant–especially since I can’t remember who it was. However! The point is, while I believe this is true for most, for me it is different. Not only do I die when a friend […]