I Love Television

THE GIFT-GIVING SEASON is the time of year when people are fond of calling me an inhuman monster. While it’s true that there is something decidedly wrong with the inner workings of my noggin, I am NOT a monster when it comes to the holidays. In fact, I have decided to dedicate this entire column […]

Dear Jenny: God, I love you, too! Here you go, and tell your uncle Stan he’s got the right idea! My poems are best when read aloud in a sing-songy, boisterous tone while carelessly waving a bottle of liquor. But keep those hankies close, folks! I’m warning ya, this one’s a fawking tear-jerker! Quacky, the […]

NOW THAT A newly elected president is on his way, you need I Love Television™ more than ever. Television is the opiate of the masses, and with a jackass dickhole in the White House, I’m spending the next four years with a TV IV drip stuck in my arm. Oh! And speaking of which, I […]

HEY! I ADMIT IT! When I make a boo-boo, you won’t see me scurrying around, covering my tracks. No siree, Bob! When I make an error, I stand up straight and yell to the world, “WORLD, I admit it! I made a mistake! I am not perfect! I am not a God! I am much […]

LIKE IT OR NOT, the American political system is full of dooky! While there’s nothing better than being an American and enjoying the spoils of our great country (i.e., hot rods, Kool and the Gang, and unlimited oral sex on demand), the simple act of electing a president is making me want to blow my […]

IT IS A WELL-KNOWN FACT I consider the so-called “art” of poetry to be the delirious ravings of bi-polar nerds and lonely spinster librarians. However! It doesn’t mean I’m not capable of doing it myself. The way I see it, there is both a time and place for poetic license, and poetry is ruined by […]

IT IS BECOMING increasingly apparent to me that the world needs a new kind of TV superstar. A superstar that not only appeals to every demographic, but also looks great when his honey-baked ham is vacuum-packed into a tight pair of trousers. Naturally, that superstar should be ME. I was struck by this realization after […]

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, I hope everybody thinks George W. Bush is the greatest thing since canned peas, ’cause he’s gonna be our next president. How can I be so sure? Because the same American public who will vote for that bumbling Texas cow-humper also voted to make Eddie, the one-legged Jersey jerk, the grand-prize […]

AS WE ALL REALIZE by now, when it comes to TV shows, my critical judgment cannot be trusted. That’s why every year I end up stealing a retarded monkey from the zoo to help me pick the best new shows of the TV season. Unfortunately, every zoo within a hundred miles has been put on […]

HEY! EVER SEEN that show on VH1 called Where Are They Now? Well, if you ask me, VH1 should devote an entire show just to SATAN! Think about it! When’s the last time Lucifer popped up on the cultural radar? He literally hasn’t drowned a toddler in years! So why the no-show? Here’s my theory: […]

LET ME TELL YOU, students these days have it EASYYYYYY. As our nation’s youth return to their classes for another educational year of school, they should remember that when I was their age, I didn’t get away with half the crap that they will. For example, when I was in the eighth grade? Mr. Ross, […]

HMMMM here’s an interesting question posed by a concerned I Love Television™ reader: “Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-me. You like monkeys, right? Well, how do you feel about the fact that there was no ‘Best Performance by a Monkey’ award on the recent Emmy telecast? Are you mad about this? I AM! Sincerely, Beth Collins. P.S. […]