I Love Television

Calling all nerds! It’s time to breathe a sigh of relief and wipe the sweat off those thick glasses, because Star Trek is coming out with a brand-new show this fall! That’s right! And hold on to your pocket protector, Poindexter, because this one promises to be more exciting than a Spiderman/Spawn crossover! Now that […]

If you grew up watching the same cartoons I did, then you will no doubt agree that Super Friends super-SUCKED. Even as a wee diaper-dumper, I had the aesthetic wherewithal to recognize that the half-baked rendition of the Justice League comic books was as exciting as a bag full of monkey paste. The main problem […]

While it’s true that I live, breathe, eat, poop, burp, and sneeze television, there was a time in my life when my career could’ve taken a very different route indeed. Though it may shock the underpants off some, I actually came this close to chucking my career as a smart-assy columnist to live the glamorous […]

TO THE SHORTSIGHTED EXECUTIVES AT FOX STUDIOS: Hello. In case you do not know who is writing this letter, prepare to pee-stain those fancy Armani trousers–because I am Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, author of America’s most prestigious column, I Love Television™!!! Now. It has come to my attention that your studio is filming a remake of […]

Here’s an interesting question to ponder while you eat sugar-frosted flakes and scratch your nether regions: WHAT HAS BECOME OF OUR NATION’S MORALS? Naturally, you won’t find them here! Yep, if you’re looking for moral values, I’d say you’d have as much luck finding them in I Love Television™ as you would a gay bathhouse […]

My fellow American I Love Television™ readers (and even those in foreign countries except of course for the Krauts, who I hate), it is time once again to make your voices heard! As we all know by now, when a grave injustice is committed against humanity, it is up to I, Wm.™ Steven Hump-me, to […]

You know, it’s fascinating. Even though the ideas for most TV shows could just as easily have been thought up by a stage-four syphilitic donkey, somehow they still let network executives do the job. Even more fascinating, while these brain-addled retards are blowing money derived from these shows on a varied litany of cocaine, prostitutes, […]

You know, many of you assume the only reason I enjoy reality shows like Temptation Island–excuse me, Gonorrhea Peninsula–is simply to watch people suffer. Well, you assume correctly. While many viewers choose their favorite characters and root for them to win, I prefer to howl with malicious glee as these disgusting, subhuman jackasses get themselves […]

Today we will be talking about the scrotal sack, and–OHHHH, DON’T YOU GIVE ME THAT LOOK. You’ve been reading me for ages, so don’t start rolling your eyes and whispering under your breath, “Oh, jeez. Here we go with the ‘scrotal sack’ again.” You should know by now that if I decide to pontificate on […]

Wah-hoooo! Didja hear? Fancy-pants movie director Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects, X-Men) has just announced that he’s creating an updated version of Battlestar Galactica! Wottayamean you don’t remember it?! Battlestar Galactica was only one of the most expensive and brilliantly cheesy shows in TV history. Costing a million smackers per episode, the series starred former […]

Pig poop hits fan on Survivor! Tribal member trades morality for plate of baby-back ribs! Hello, I’m Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, and THIS is an I Love Television™ SPECIAL REPORT! (Chukka, chukka, chukka, chukka, chukka, chukka.) Dateline: Australia! An epidemic of foot-stomping indignation has been sweeping the globe ever since a small wild pig was trapped […]