I Love Television

I like oral sex. Yesireebob, I don’t see nothin’ wrong with it. I like giving oral sex, I like getting oral sex, and I like watching oral sex. Whether you call it “munching the carpet,” “bobbing for baloney,” or simply “whistling Dixie,” I loves me some oral sex. Licky, slurpy, yummy, ORAL SEX. O-R-A-L S-E-X! […]

You know, every now and then, I like to look over previous editions of I Love Television™, and I can’t help but say to myself, “GOD!!! This is soooo STOOPID!!!” Seriously–what a dumbass column I write! Every goddam week it’s the same thing: “Big Brother blah! Blah! BLAH!” “Tom Selleck’s booshy moostache blah! Blah! BLAH!” […]

You went ahead and did it, didn’t ya? You went ahead and saw the new Planet of the Apes movie even though you knew Marky Mark didn’t show his booty once, and Tim Burton cannot direct his way out of a dampened square of tissue paper. Okay, so I don’t blame ya. I mean, even […]

So. Have you been watching the second season of Big Brother? No, you have NOT, because you correctly recognize it as the task of an idiot. And besides, why should you watch it when you know full well that I’M watching it and will tell you if anything remotely interesting happens? You are very smart […]

You know, I’m constantly deluged with mail requesting intimate details about Wm.™ Steven Hump-me: what I have for breakfast, where I buy my snappy threads, the length of any pertinent bits of genitalia. However! Many are also interested in learning more about “the second Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey.” Longtime readers have undoubtedly noted passing mentions […]

When the fanatical readers of I Love Television™ write in, they usually have one of two things to say: (1) Nelly Furtado is not Adolf Hitler, and you are a dick; and (2) how come you always write about television, and never for television? Both are good points. Though I don’t care what people think […]

Editor’s note: Upon realizing that I Love Television™ is celebrating its seventh anniversary, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey chose to get stinking drunk and not write a column this week (not that this has ever stopped him before). Regardless, you may still enjoy this column from the I Love Television™ archives, which has been substantially altered to […]

OMIGOD!! I just came up with the greatest idea, like EVER! And here it is: You simply MUST try out for Temptation Island 2! C’mon! Do it! Do it! Do it! It’ll be heee-larious! Huh? Whaddaya mean you have no goddam idea what I’m talking about? C’mon, you remember Temptation Island! That’s the FOX reality […]

First things FIrst! I hereby proclaim Nelly Furtado as the new “Adolf Hitler of the Music Industry”!! Yes, yes, I know. Lenny Kravitz has held that honor for years now, but frankly, I don’t give a schiznit! While Lenny is most certainly an evil blight perpetrated against the whole of humanity, Nelly Furtado–who sings that […]

Frequent readers of this column will surely note that I enjoy NYPD Blue almost as much as a catheter snapping off in my wee-wee. God knows I used to love the show; fond memories of Jimmy Smits’ tight bare tuckus still dance inside my head like the Nutcracker as performed by a group of fourth […]

Last week, I had the pleasure of having close to 10,000 angry I Love Television™ readers chew deeply into my ass via e-mail. And they all were screaming something to this effect: “Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-me! It is with great anger that I just witnessed the Buffy the Vampire Slayer finale, in which Buffy saved […]

America holds the following truth to be self-evident: Nobody loves TV like Wm.™ Steven Hump-me. However! I am beginning to find that my love for television is being overshadowed by the grim specter of the ugliest of all emotions: JEALOUSY. I try to remind myself that the purpose of television is to live vicariously through […]