I Love Television

Ya know, it’s always goddam hee-larious to me how some people can live in a freaking dream world. Oh, you know who I’m talking about! Those peeps who can’t seem to wake up and smell the coffee even when it’s being poured down the front of their trousers. Take for example (once again) the GERMANS. […]

As you may have realized, I DIG ROCK ‘N’ ROLL! Yeah, daddy-o! I go wiggy for those finger-snappin’ toe-tappin’ sounds of today–just like all the other chicks and charlies I hang out with! You need examples? Oh well, groovy man! It’s my pleasure! Let’s see I like that uh that Christina Arugula singer person, and […]

If you’ve seen me wandering aimlessly around town this week, you probably wondered, “Huh. Why isn’t Humpy at the Television Critics Association press tour in Pasadena, California?” Well, simply put, it was because I WASN’T FAWKING INVITED, OKAY?!?! And why wasn’t I invited? Because everyone in the Television Critics Association is A BUNCH OF FREAKING […]

When you watch as much television as I do, you start to realize a few things. For example, you may realize that you have a very sore ass. Or, you might begin spotting what we in the sitting-on-our-ass-all-day biz call “trends.” Take, for instance, the late ’70s, when practically every show was a bra-less sitcom. […]

Let me tell you something! In these depressing times of economic downturn, it’s hard to know where one should invest one’s hard-earned money. Of course, the “one” in question certainly isn’t ME, because I know EXACTLY where I’m going to invest every penny I make, and that’s in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Think about it! […]

Hey! I’m back from my vacation! DID YOU MISS ME? I missed you, too! And while I’m sure bunches of interesting things happened to you, I’ve decided to talk about the interesting things that happened to me. For example! As you can undoubtedly guess, an “ordinary” vacation is not my style, because my personality is […]

[Editor’s Note: Wm.™ Steven Humphrey is on vacation this week, but before leaving, he wanted us to give you this crappy old column from the dusty I Love Television™ archives. Merry Freaking Christmas.] Well, it’s become increasingly apparent during this holiday season that you can’t swing Tiny Tim’s crutch without smacking some lousy-ass version of […]

I’m certainly sure you are familiar with the phrase “leaving well enough alone.” And I’m just as certainly sure you think “leaving well enough alone” is a good idea. Well, HORSE HOCKEY! Do you think I would have gotten this far in the business had I “left well enough alone”? Hell, NO! I am a […]

It’s always a hippity-happy day here at I Love Television™ when we learn that Hollywood is turning one of our favorite shows into a movie. Why? Because it’s a “win-win” situation! If the movie is great, we can say, “Well naturally! What could go wrong with such a terrific premise?” And if it eats donkeys, […]

First Things First! I hereby vow to never again use this column to engage in an argument on the subject of the worst superhero in the world–Aquaman. I will only go as far to say that Aquaman is as useless as the Beatles, and leave it at that. And that he is stupid. And THAT […]

Dear I Love Television™ Readers, And so once again, I am forced to defend myself against rantings from the angry maw of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, the usual producer of this inane tripe known as I Love Television™. To explain: Last week, in this very space, in this very rag, Mr. Humphrey squandered his already oversized […]

You know how sometimes in this column, I’ll get a bug up my butt and start some insignificant rant, and before I know it, I’ve run out of room without ever even broaching the subject of television? Well, this is potentially one of those columns. Therefore! I’ve decided to plug my butt-bug for the moment, […]