I Love Television

Ahhh sweet, sweet days of youth. You know, this Spider-Man movie has got me reminiscing about the times I would run around dressed in red underpants, my mother’s pantyhose on my head, dosed to the gills on Mountain Dew and Pixie Stix. Yep, Spider-Man was my favorite superhero EVER, and I often went to ridiculous […]

I believe it is wrong to celebrate when people die–unless, of course, you were betting on when that person would die then it’s okay. And it’s especially okay if you win! For example, I’m placing some bets right now in something I like to call the “Who’s Gonna Croak on Buffy?” game. As you all […]

I must say that I find my friends to be fairly disappointing. Every time I turn around they’re either getting married, having babies, buying houses you know, things only old people do! And even worse? When we’re hanging out together and I suggest a really good idea–like going out to bang some hookers–they’re all like, […]

Though it gives me great pain to use this column for something other than television criticism, I can be silent no longer! I would like to speak today about a scourge attacking our community–a scourge called “teenage street-racing“! Now, I have nothing against teenage activities: Just last weekend I attended a “teenage booze party” and […]

Okay, so I’ve explained this before, but OBVIOUSLY I need to explain it again. The “purpose” of television is twofold: (1) Television is an entertainment medium, and any attempt to make it educational is like wearing a studded condom; it sounds like a good idea, but rarely produces any significant results. And (2) the “purpose” […]

And here’s something else that really bugs you about me: I’ve got “sexuality” issues. Am I gay? Ain’t I gay? One minute I’m drooling over the lip-smackin’ Jennifer Garner of Alias, the next I’m dry-humping the six-pack of Patrick Swayze! It’s no wonder you yelp, “For the love of FAWK, Hump! Make up yer freaking […]

Puppets are fun! Don’t believe me? Well, they are! (And just so you don’t think this is going to be another bullshit I Love Television™ column where I talk about everything except television, rest assured I will eventually get around to Greg the Bunny, a new puppet sitcom on FOX.) In fact, I’d say that […]

I am nothing if not fickle. There are moments when I can love something more than life itself–and then just as quickly HATE IT with such a burning passion I could grab it and strangle it and break it into a billion pieces before I stomp, Stomp, STOMP it into the ground!! Then it does […]

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a little tired of TV getting CRAPPED on! For example, what’s up with network executives who refuse to give their shows enough money to be sufficiently realistic? Take Buffy the Vampire Slayer: How can we take Buffy seriously when she’s fighting a monster that looks like it’s […]

As you probably know, I’m the last human being in the universe to give MTV a freaking break. And why should I?!? Buncha freaking JERKS is what they is! Sure, they started out all cool, playing the Duran Duran, the Men Without Hats, and the Kajagoogoo. But now they’re all, “We hate the Kajagoogoo, and […]

God, I’M STARVING! And while it would be easy enough to simply take your advice and eat something, thanks to that skinny jerk Jared from the Subway commercials, I can’t. Because I’m a great big FATASS! For those not hep to the newest weight-losing cult, “Jared” is the spokesmodel for Subway sandwiches; a previously humongous […]

Okay, so you know about aneurysms, right? That’s what you get when someone does something so remarkably stupid that a vein in your brainpan goes KER-BLOOEY! I’ve had about 16 of them, and let me tell you, all things being equal? I’d rather be serenaded by Nelly Furtado. However! I figured out a way to […]