I Love Television

As my dear old pop used to say, “SON! Opinions are like BUNGHOLES! Everybody’s got one.” Then he’d pause and snort, “But YOURS stinks worse than MINE! Bwaa-HA-HAA! Haaaa-Haaa-Haaaa-Haaaa-HAWWWWW!” Then he’d sink back into his recliner and slowly drift away in an alcoholic haze. But you know? The old man had a point. The opinions […]

You know what? I was just going through my finances and my “profit margin” stinks!! Oh, sure I know what you’re thinking: “What does Wm.™ Steven Humphrey care about ‘profit margin’? The only thing he worries about is where his next juicy slice of boo-tay is coming from!” That’s what you think, huh? Well, I’ve […]

Now, before everybody gets worked up, let me state for the record that I have nothing against Christopher Reeve. Okay, that’s not exactly true. I do have something against Christopher Reeve, but it’s not what you might think. Hmmm let’s start that over. Okay. You remember Christopher Reeve, right? He starred in those Superman movies, […]

Okay, I am now officially AGAINST any “good ideas”! And the reason WHY I am against any “good ideas” is because “good ideas” usually generate “bad ideas” and subsequently “really shitty ideas.” Example: I will admit MTV’s The Osbournes was a good idea, and deserves all the accolades it received. HOWEVER! If they had any […]

Pranks: They make life worth livin’, don’t they? Yeah, I love stickin’ it to the assholes who try to stick it to me. But as my “main man” Coolio said in his groundbreaking rap music hit “Gangsta’s Paradise”: “I ain’t never crossed a man that didn’t deserve it.” The way me and Coolio see it, […]

You know, I hate to be one of those grumpy grampies who prattles on and on about how “things were better in my day.” Unfortunately, THINGS WERE BETTER IN MY DAY!! Take entertainers, for example: In MY day, we didn’t have fancy-pantsy choreographers or vocal instructors to teach us how to be “entertaining.” We had […]

Do you ever suffer from Vietnam flashbacks? Boy, I do and they fawking suck! And even worse? I didn’t even fight in Vietnam! I’ve never been anywhere near the joint! So I can only imagine how bad the flashbacks are for those who were actually “in the shit,” as it were. But I don’t mean […]

So much of life is devoted to “what is funny” and “what is ain’t.” It’s true, isn’t it? How many times have you thought of a truly heee-larious gag, but stopped short because there was a hippie nearby just waiting to pounce if you supplied the punch line that was begging to be said? For […]

Wanna know what’s wrong with this world? People are TOO GODDAM GREEDY. They want it all! Remember that adage that everyone eventually becomes famous for 15 minutes? Well, now 15 minutes isn’t nearly enough for these greedy fawks, and some people are asking to be famous for 20, 30 even 45 minutes! Example: Now that […]

For the most part, science is stupid. Why? Because all the scientific research about television is lies, Lies, LIES! In fact, if I were to do a little research of my own, I’d say that four out of five researchers are heavily biased AGAINST television. I mean, think about it! When’s the last time you […]

Let’s talk a minute about the concept of “retirement,” shall we? Now, I realize there are some people who must continue to work after retirement age in order to keep a steady supply of Metamucil coming in and that’s why McDonald’s and Wal-Mart exists. But as for the rest of you? MOVE OVER, GRAMPA! The […]

Ahem! Excuse me! I’d like to be acknowledged, please! I would like to be acknowledged for being the first TV critic to predict that MTV’s The Osbournes was going to be a big hit! As you know, I don’t normally toot my own horn–especially when I’m busy tooting other people’s horns (that is a dirty […]