I Love Television

The Best TV Show EVER Here’s how an ex-lover used to describe me: “Don’t get me wrong. I love the package, I just hate what’s inside the package.” And sometimes, that’s the way I feel about television. I love the general concept, but hate the specifics (M*A*S*H, Law & Order, Touched on the Swimsuit Area […]

Prince of Lies Frederick Esposito writes, “Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me: WHY DO YOU LIE? I was under the impression that columnists for major newspapers were supposed to tell the truth, yet I consistently find your writing riddled with LIES. Can you tell me why you LIE, please? Without LYING?” Well! It seems Mr. Esposito has […]

Hey! What did you do on your holiday vacation? Yeah, that’s real interesting. Well, on my holiday vacation, I went to THAILAND. That’s right, Thailand: a mysterious country in the Orient that literally means, “Land of the Complicated Poop.” See, Thailand is what’s called an “emerging Third World nation,” which means that while they have […]

Your X-Mas Snap Quiz™ What would Christmas be without creepy wooden puppets? Whenever the baby Jesus’ birthday rolls around, I never know how to feel–until Rankin/Bass holiday specials TELL ME how to feel. My problem is, they’re so much alike, I get all woozy trying to sort ’em out! So here’s a little Snap Quiz™ […]

What follows are the 10 worst episodes of M*A*S*H ever: 10) Dreams (Episode 191). How to spot a lousy M*A*S*H episode? Look for “written and directed by Alan Alda.” After heavy casualties, the 4077 is plagued by nightmares in an episode overrun with METAPHOR. Highlight: Hawkeye flipping out on a small boat filled with mannequin […]

Cheers & Jeers If you think that my life as a TV columnist is a revolving red-velvet waterbed, you couldn’t be more wrong! Along with my regular duties of glaring at the tube for 15 hours a day, I’m also forced to read the most despicable piece of literature since Mein Kampf–which, of course, is […]

Sugar Sugar One good thing about contracting the Ebola virus is that you can stay home all day reading comic books. Though there’s been some disagreement in the medical community as to whether or not I actually have the Ebola virus, the bottom line is this: I say I have it, and as those fancy […]

As you may already know, I have strong feelings about violence on television. There ain’t enough of it!! See, all these librarians, schoolmarms, and psycholiatrists have gotten it all wrong. Excessive violence doesn’t make kids want to beat some ass; I’d say it even has the opposite effect. It makes them say, “Wow, ass-beatings look […]

Omigod! I am FURIOUS!! In fact, I am so furious, it’s highly unlikely I’ll be able to find the words to complete this week’s column. Okay stop just breathe. Good energy in bad energy out (this is something my quacky therapist told me to do whenever I felt like MY HEAD WAS GOING TO FAWKING […]

Hey! What did you dress up as on Halloween? Yeah, yeah, that’s real interesting. You wanna know who I was? Omigod, it was SO great! I was “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe”! Actually, I was only “He-Man,” because even though I’m a big fan of the cartoon, I’m still not exactly sure who […]

A Diamond in the Poop Hey! Have you seen that new show Birds of Prey? It’s not very good, is it? However, as you will soon ascertain, that’s not going to stop me from writing about it! That’s because even in the biggest piles of poop, one can still find a glistening diamond. Actually, that’s […]

People of Portland! By this point I’m sure you’ve already chosen an appropriate song, and you’re ready to knock ’em dead at the upcoming American Idol auditions What? WHAT?!? You didn’t even know about the auditions?? OH, CRAP! Buddy, you are SCREWED! They are gonna eat you ALIVE! You think you can just waltz in […]