I Love Television

Strippers Like Me Strippers and dogs; they both like me. Why? Who knows? But I’ve never had a bad experience with a stripper or a dog. Wait. That’s not true. When I was 10, a wiener dog bit a one-inch chunk out of my leg. That’s bullshit, man. But anyway, all dogs like me except […]

For Rizzle, My Pizzles Oh, how I do enjoy the linguistic gymnasticities of modern-day “rap” music! It’s far better than honky music, because, let’s face it–honkies have had hundreds of years to do something creative with the English language, and they haven’t come up with jack-doody! And to once again prove I’m right, let’s do […]

Make Money the Gay Way! There are two reasons why I sometimes wonder if I’m gay: (a) I often dream of Colin Farrell and his underpants, and (b) I like money. A gross generalization? Perhaps. Maybe it’s because they were never hampered by so many dead-end breeder-style relationships, but it is nevertheless a scientific fact: […]

Swami Steve Strikes Again! Let’s face facts: Mother Nature is one wacky lady. For some, she’s a cruel mistress, bestowing upon their shoulders a head full of ugly. For others, she’s a generous deity, granting them beautiful faces, wavy hair, and bodies designed to make a preacher kick a hole through a stained-glass window. Sure, […]

The Real Ennui Like a particularly stubborn case of the genital herpes, The Real World is making its 13th comeback–and this time it’s more superfluous than ever! What started off as a grand social experiment–stick seven young adults in a house to see if they can overcome their sociological and olfactory differences–has evolved into an […]

Millionaire Gloryhole Okay I’ve decided that this time, I’m not going to freak out. However, I will quietly note that my newest idea for an extremely successful TV show has not been included in the list of new fall shows. AND THIS IS FAWKING FAWKED UP!! See, every year at this time, the networks trot […]

The Uncanny Mutant Mailbag First things FIrst! Have you seen this new X-Men movie? I saw it the other day, and before we get to the I Love Television™ Mailbag™, I’ve got a few things I’d like to say! As you undoubtedly realize, I am no friend to nerds. I hate their clothing choices, I […]

Tra-La-Tra-La, It’s May, It’s May, It’s May! I love May! And the reason I love May is because the warm sunshine beams down upon my juicy bits, causing it to double in both length and girth. And that alone is reason enough to sing and skip around all nudie-like in small concentric circles in my […]

Rawrrrr! Me Am MAN!! You know if there’s one thing I can’t get enough of, it’s MAN-STUFF. That’s right, I dig anything that has to do with manly, he-male things. And for those who may be less than manly (as in “fe-maley”), here is an abridged list of man-ful testosteronish things that real MEN love: […]

Generation Hexed God DAMMIT! I’m sorry to start off this column with a curse, but I’m madder than a bobcat in a saltwater taffy machine about these humongous mega-conglomerates who think they own me! See, the only reason I took this stoopid job in the first place–and we all know it’s a stoopid job who […]

Crucifixion: Kind of a Downer Boy, if I were Jesus I would be pissed! What the hell happened to Easter? I remember when Easter was one of the big dogs of holidays, and was celebrated as such with tons of Jesus-y TV specials and creepy Easter Bunny cartoonies. In fact, I was psyched to give […]

How Dumb Am You? Well, whoop-dee-doo! You think you’re pretty goddamn smart, don’t ya? Brainy McBrainerson! Cerebellum McCerebellumson! Well, I’ve got some news for YOU, Monsieur Throbby McBrainpan–it’s time to put your smarts where your mouth is! On Friday, April 11, at 8:00 p.m., the most intelligent TV network ever invented by man (Fox) is […]