I Love Television

You’ve Got “Pork-a-bility” Frankly, I’ve had it. Every year around this time, I put forth my predictions on what will be the hottest new shows of the fall season. And every year, I find my “hot new shows” have been canceled within three weeks! I meanÉ what the FAWK?!? I’ve been doing this stoopid job […]

Who Wants to Be a Monkey Billionaire? You know what? If you offered me a million bucks, I’d take it. However! I wouldn’t necessarily be crapping my pants in joy. Sure, I could use the money. Who couldn’t? But don’t be rolling up with a million smackers and expect me to drop to my knees […]

My Favorite Show–For Now Okay, I’m really busy today, got a lot of things to do, so let’s make this quick. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is no longer my favorite show. I’m sorry, it’s just the way I feel. And not because I’m a homophobeÉ. WaitÉ I don’t think it’s because I’m a […]

Revenge of the Readers It’s a scientiFIc fact most network executives are crack-addicted sadists who drink the blood of virgins and are infected with a number of mind-altering STDs. And yet, these are the same people who develop new reality shows! It’s not FAIR, goddammit! After all, at least half of my readers smoke crack […]

The 42nd Annual Humpy Awards™ [Drum roll, cue announcer.] Ladies and Gentlemen, LIVE from the Ramada Inn conference room it’s the 42nd Annual Humpy Awards™ with Wm.™ Steven Humphrey! [Cue canned applause.] Hello everyone, and welcome to the Humpy Awards™. [Dramatic pause.] Television it’s a porthole to the septic tank of our souls. That’s why […]

Your Flailing Career As you have undoubtedly surmised, your career isn’t going so hot. Sure, there may be some aspects of your job that you enjoy, such as making passive-aggressive comments to your boss, or stealing people’s lunch from the company refrigerator. But you dream of having more, right? And this is where I come […]

Poor You? Poor ME! Fate. She is indeed a cruel mistress. And since my destiny is a cruel one, today’s topic will be on the subject of “cruelty” itself. There are those among you who label me as “cruel” for my views on foreigners (in particular Canadians and Krauts), dope-huffing hippies, and my so-called “cruel” […]

The Humpy Awards™ When identifying those at the bottom of the journalistic food chain, you can bet your fruity booty that no one is lower than the television critic. AND THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD STAY! You think radio DJs and movie critics are ugly? Brrrrrrrrr! At least they’re occasionally let out of the house! […]

A Gay Contribution to Society “OH, NO! Not another gay column!” Oh YES, another gay column! And that’s because after centuries of having all the fun behind closed closet doors, the gays are finally coming out and sharing their immense talents with the rest of the world. It’s hard to imagine that gays would ever […]

Teenagers Frighten Me Sometimes I go to the mall. And the reason I sometimes go to the mall is because there’s always a bunch of teenagers there. And according to my therapist (WHO IS A GODDAM QUACK, BY THE WAY!) the only way of getting over my fear of teenagers is to hang around with […]

Racism: It’s Wrong! Today’s column addresses “racism” and how it’s “wrong.” And for those who don’t know, “racism” means judging the entirety of a different race in an unfair manner. For example: Canadians are liars. Now, as we all know, most Canadians are liars; but for the benefit of those very few Canadians who tell […]

America: Why I Love Her Every year on July 4, I take a break from the rigors of “television journalism” to expound on the great country whence I was born and inseminated. It’s an opportunity to remember all the things that make America the greatest nation on Earth–like rubber-burning drag strips where hot-pants-wearing mamas flounce […]