I Love Television

I am a man of many addictions. I’m addicted to life, having fun, and “natural highs.” I am also addicted to booze, pills, and sex–which I must admit I prefer to “life,” “having fun,” and “natural highs.” However! If you were to pile all my addictions into a bottomless dirty laundry hamper, at the top […]

The holidays are just around the corner and that means one thing: YOU need to know what to get ME for Christmas. For example, here’s an actual e-mail from concerned reader and gift-giver Branden P. Finley: “ARE YOU ASHAMED BY THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS? Magna-RX Patch is the worlds [sic] most effective Male Enlargement […]

Oh, I’ll tell you why you aren’t famous! It’s because you don’t have a fancy New York PUBLICIST. For example, meet MY fancy New York publicist, Sy Goldberg. Hello, how ya doin’? Sy Goldberg here. Now I’m not one to toot my own horn, but before he met me? Wm.™ Steven Humphrey was a putz. […]

Today’s column is entitled “Sitcoms Make Me Vomit.” And after reading this headline you may say, “Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me! True, sitcoms occasionally nauseate, but do they actually cause people to vomit? Ohhhh, ho, ho, ho. I think not.” WellÉ SCREW YOU! I know vomit when I see it, and currently “it” is covering the tops […]

The Hillbilly Sweeps Let’s break out a new pair of underpants, because it’s time for the November sweeps! For the less-than-media savvy, “sweeps” is a term used by the networks that literally means, “Let’s screw our advertisers.” Here’s how it works: Advertising rates are determined by how good the network’s ratings are, right? And since […]

Billionaires Need Love, Too! I think it’s time to stop pooh-poohing the rich. Think about it! Next to the hillbilly, nobody gets pooh-poohed more than the average billionaire. “Oh, look at the rich person! She’s stupid, shallow, and mean.” Or: “Hey, that rich person just tore down the local community center and put up a […]

Why Limeys Aren’t Funny By now you’ve seen the new Thursday-night NBC sitcom Coupling, right? Actually, that’s a stupid question–if you’d seen it, you couldn’t be reading this column. See, it’s impossible to read after plunging a rusty nail into your eyeballs in a desperate hope of removing the images inflicted upon your poor peepers […]

Okay, so right now? I don’t give a CRAP about TV! Something mind-bendingly earthshattering has occurred–and you want ME to write about stoopid TV shows? Well, kiss my grits, pal! Right now I’m too concerned about the fate of the fawking human race to give you the latest gossip about Coupling. (That’s for later on […]

OhÉ myÉ god. Look at you! Sitting around looking like a poster child for National Depression Screening week. Know what your problem is? Oh, I’ll tell you what your problem is! You lack the key ingredient needed to turn you into a useful, functioning member of society. And that’s PEP, goddammit! PEP!!! I’m serious! You’re […]

It’s not in my best interest to say this, but this year’s slate of new fall shows closely resembles a rusty bucket full of donkey droppings. And I’m talking about the droppings from a donkey’s bottom! See, the way we TV critics keep our jobs is by finding a show–any show–to champion. Otherwise we have […]

Christ, I’m Starving! It seems a few of you have noticed me hanging around the boys’ department at Target. So before my name ends up in the tabloids, let’s quickly nip this one in the bud: I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE. At least not in the classic sense. There was that incident with the mayor’s […]

The Moral Minority Reverend Garland Mason of Richmond, VA, writes: “Dear Wm.™ Steven Humphrey. Though you will most certainly find yourself roasting in the deepest, hottest pits of Hell, plagued by horrific demons who shall delight in poking your plump bottom with their sharpened implements of torture throughout all eternity–I enjoy your column and read […]