I Love Television

As a parent of at least 27 illegitimate children (that I know of), I think it’s important to set a good example for the youth of today. And since I’m physically incapable of doing so, I expect others to take up the slack. That being said, what the FREAK is going on with kiddie shows […]

One of the great things about being young is that you don’t give a crap about where or how you live. HOWEVER! There also comes a time in a young person’s life when residing in a four-bedroom house with 25 hippies, punks, crackheads, AND THEIR DOGS can inspire thoughts of murder. For example, while I […]

You know, there’s been a lot of YAP, YAP, YAP lately about television’s “plummeting morality.” Well, brothers and sisters, I’m here to tell you one thing: LET IT FALL. I’ve had it up to here (please imagine a spot just above my “inferior nasal conchae”) with uptight naysayers with a chicken leg shoved up their […]

I have something to say! And it involves the “tit seen ’round the world” (i.e., Janet Jackson’s exposed mammary at the Super Bowl). “Oh, come now, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!” I hear you cry. “A flashing glimpse of a fun bag? That’s nothing to be alarmed about–especially for someone who’s been on top of, around, and […]

If you’re like me, you’ve wasted thousands of company dollars chatting away at the water cooler this week. The main topic of conversation? Britney Spears’ new video for “Toxic”! Oh boy, is it terrific! Of course, there are always a few grumbling hippies who refuse to get cable, and ruin everybody else’s fun by making […]

Okay, listen up! This week marks the debut of Survivor: All-Stars (Sunday, Fox, after the Super Bowl), wherein past Survivor contestants reunite on a secluded island and screw each other out of a million bucks. And to celebrate this momentous occasion, here’s another list of my pissy complaints about the show, which in the end […]

In case you haven’t realized, I am world-renowned for making what I like to call “the over-the-top sweeping blanket generalization”–which invariably turns out to be ALWAYS 100 PERCENT ACCURATE. For example, when I proclaimed that the Beatles were the most grossly overrated hack band to ever record a pile of crap, there were many people […]

Longtime readers of this column have come to realize I am incredibly intuitive when it comes to predicting television trends. FOR EXAMPLE! It was I who predicted well over a year ago that in order to keep the reality show genre alive, producers would need to cram their shows with numerous plot “twists” in order […]

First I’d like to say two words you’ve never read in any I Love Television™ column: I’M SORRY. Okay?!? I’m freaking sorry, I was WRONG, so why don’t you clap my wrists and ankles in irons, and whip my bottom till it’s red. And while I totally accept full blame for my transgression, I do […]

Every year, the people at Time magazine use their cover to trumpet somebody who has influenced world events. They call this Time‘s “Person of the Year” issue. Unfortunately, they always end up choosing some dumbass “world leader” like President Bush or Saddam Hussein. Sure, these jerks may be good at bullying their constituents, but are […]

Okay, listen up, jerk-wipes! I’ve had it up to here with all you scientists, religious whackos, and “concerned mothers” kicking television in the nuts. Nowadays you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting some new “study” claiming that television is leading America’s youth into a sticky abyss of obesity, lethargia, and overall stoopidness. Well, I’m […]

Okay, since you’re obviously having trouble deciding what kind of present to get me for Christmas, let me help you narrow it down. I DON’T want tube socks! I DON’T want a stupid card with nothing in it! And I especially DON’T want anything “handmade”! Look, if you don’t give a shit about me, just […]