I Love Television

It’s a scientific FACT: Before the invention of the “reality makeover show,” you were far more attractive. I loved the swoop of your nose, the cut of your torso–even the junk in your roomy trunk. However, after watching shows like The Swan, Extreme Makeover, and MTV’s I Want a Famous Face, now I’m thinking you […]

Okay–now I’m starting to panic. As you know, my swimsuit area has been in a constant state of dampness over the possibility of a Knight Rider movie. Fans of this ’80s TV show–starring curly-haired hunk David Hasselhoff and his talking-car pal, KITT–are starting to fret as well, because now, according to reports, the movie may […]

True story: When I was younger I used to attend summer camp–not for fat kids, okay?! It was called “Our Blessed Virgin’s Summer Camp for Wayward Christian Teens.” The camp chef (named “Cookie”) was in his early ’60s and well known for having a wee heart problem. I, on the other hand, was well known […]

Friends, I have experienced an epiphany. I’m finally beginning to figure out why people are always coming up to me on the street, spitting in my face, and then ramming their tongues down my throat. It turns out, when it comes to me, their feelings are “conflicted.” They love the curvature of the honey-baked ham […]

In case you’ve been hiding under a rock, Jesus Christ is in, in, IN! And secular humanism? Out, out, OUT! And it’s all thanks to director/actor Mel Gibson and his blockbuster tribute to flagellation, The Passion of the Christ. See, before Mel’s ultra-violent movie came out, Christianity was… well, let’s face it… kinda sissy. Ooh, […]

I think I’m in biiiiiiiiig trouble. As anyone who watches television knows, after a show has been on for a while, things can get… well… a little stale. So what do the producers do in this situation? First of all, they PANIC. Then they fall back on the old tried and true formulas: either firing […]

Do you ever think about your grandparents having sex? NEITHER DO I!! Because it’s eww, eww, eww, eww, GROSS. And not only is it GROSS, it’s BORING. You see, when people in the “olden days” had sex, it wasn’t all freaky-style the way you and I do it. I mean I go BUCK WILD, peoples. […]

Barbie O’Connell of Daytona Beach, Florida, writes: “Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me. I’m a curvy 19-year-old college student who likes to party and have fun. Plus my friends tell me I’m quite a ‘fox.’ Here’s my problem: My boyfriend is unable to satisfy me. Why? He can’t seem to locate my V-chip. It’s my understanding that […]

I like to hit people in the face. It’s no biggie–just something I like to do. However! After winding up in one too many holding cells, and facing a legal bill much larger than my bar tab, I decided to take my love for hitting people in the face and turn that passion into a […]

Ugly people: What a pain in the ass–am I right? And while “the ugly” are really annoying and get in the way of all that is beautiful in the world, you know what really chaps my crevice? Ugly people who are kinda hot. You’ve seen them! They’re ugly, but they also dress nicely; they groom […]

By nature, I’m not the political type. Certainly I’ve been known to write the occasional scathing unprintable editorial to the local paper (like when Fox took Fastlane off the air? Man, that was bullshit!). In general, however, my approach to political injustice is to get really mad privately, threaten to move to a different country, […]

As we all know, “gay” sells newspapers. Why? Because people LOVE reading about the “gay”! What the gay do, what the gay think, what the gay dream… it’s a gay, gay world, and the rest of us are just wearing the clothes they wouldn’t be caught dead in. HOWEVER! I am about to reveal a […]