I Love Television

Don’t kill me, okay?!? I know you’re sick of voting. And now that red-state hayseeds have ruined everything for another four years, you’re just about ready to crack your foot off in the ass of the next person who wants you to do ANYTHING political. But what I’m asking isn’t political at all! It’s just […]

[Before I begin this week’s unintelligible rant, run and set your VCR right now for the season premiere of Arrested Development (Sun Nov 7, 8:30 pm, Fox). It’s the funniest show on TV, and I’ll sock anybody in the nut-box who says otherwise. We now return to my unintelligible rant, already in progress.] AND ANOTHER […]

Look. I know you already had plans for a Halloween party. All I’m saying is that your plan BLOWS, and you need a better idea… for example, MY idea. See, you should totally throw an O.C. -themed Halloween party. What? NO, I don’t mean “obsessive/compulsive!” In case you’ve been living in an Iraqi spider-hole, The […]

Whether it’s the nosy checkout lady at the supermarket, the rambling drunk at the bar, or the acne-pocked blow dealer down the block, I’m tired of people telling ME what shows I just HAVE to watch! As a television critic for a major metropolitan weekly, let me assure you I have watched EVERYTHING–including Everwood, 7th […]

As you know I have many, many readers. And according to demographic surveys, many of my readers like to travel by airplane. And many of those readers enjoy reading I Love Television™ while flying on a plane. From what these travelers tell me, reading I Love Television™ relaxes them, making their flight a more enjoyable, […]

Let’s face facts: being stranded on a deserted island eats ASS. Whether you arrived via an ill-timed plane crash, or were dropped off by a gang of sexually ambivalent pirates–sitting around on an island with no Tivo or Snickers Popables is a rotten way to live. Of course, there’s an upside to being a castaway–for […]

There’s a time in every network season when TV executives suddenly realize that all their ideas are shit, and they are this close to being fired. I FAWKING LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR! Nothing perks up a boring season like a desperate TV exec who’s floundering around for ideas, and ends up green-lighting an absolutely […]

Okay… look. I’m not asking for a thank you, I’m not asking for extra money. All I’m asking for is a little ass rub. And before you say no, think about it! Who else is going to sit through all these craptacularly crappy new TV shows and warn you about the crap you should avoid? […]

Like a particularly stubborn case of genital warts, so arrives another new season of television shows. However, that’s not going to stop me from reporting on each and every one–and collecting a sizable paycheck to boot. So let’s get started, shall we? And while you won’t want to miss your favorite returning shows (i.e. Tom […]

[Editor’s Note: Humpy returns from vacation next week. Until then enjoy this moderately amusing repeat column.] Hey! What did you do on your holiday vacation? Yeah, that’s real interesting. Well, on my holiday vacation, I went to THAILAND. That’s right, Thailand: a mysterious country in the Orient that literally means, “Land of the Complicated Poop.” […]

[Editor’s Note: Humpy is on vacation this week, so enjoy this repeat column from the I Love Television™ archives.] If you think my life as a TV columnist is a revolving red-velvet waterbed, you couldn’t be more wrong! Along with my regular duties of glaring at the tube for 15 hours a day, I’m also […]

Oh, god. I feel another aneurysm coming on… I just know it. See that throbbing vein in my forehead? That’s an ANEURYSM my friend, and any second now it’s going to explode like a baby alien popping out of a scientist’s stomach, and let me tell YOU… this room is going to be quite a […]