I Love Television

First things first: I HATE FOOTBALL. (Surprise, surprise! The faggy TV critic hates football. Whoopee-doo!) That’s right, I said it. I HATE FOOTBALL. And that’s because it is the lowliest sport known to man. Big hulking Neanderthals bashing their thick skulls together in an attempt to move an inflated pig’s intestine down the field? What […]

As you know, there are many kinds of doctors in the world. However, in my opinion, only a few actually earn their paycheck. For example, the “butt doctor.” Just imagine! Every day you return home from a hard day’s work at the butt-doctor office, and your wife asks, “What happened to you today, dear?” And […]

Boy. I’ve been getting a lot of letters lately. Last week, an upset anonymous network executive asked me to stop “pooh-poohing” his new TV shows. This week, an upset anonymous newspaper publisher who signs my paychecks writes, “Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me: It was with great alarm that I read last week’s edition of I Love […]

An anonymous network executive writes, “Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me: Every week when I finish reading your column, I’m left on the verge of tears–because you have pooh-poohed me. It’s very hard work being a network executive, and it’s harder when TV critics like you make with the pooh-pooh. I admit some of my shows aren’t […]

Remember how last week I said 2005 was going to be the best year ever? Wait… you don’t? What the fawk is wrong with you? You were too DRUNK to read my column? Oh, for the love of CHRIST. Really, I give you one thing to do–read my column while you’re sitting on the pot–and […]

Thank GOD 2004 is OVER! I haaaaaaaated that stoopid year–what with its tired-ass celebrities, demonic politicians, and ridiculous sitcoms like Dr. Vegas and Whoopi. Happily, I’ve taken enough drugs to more or less forget everything that happened in 2004, and now have a relatively clean slate for what I think is gonna be the best […]

What follows is a slightly abridged list of gifts you should get me this year. (And no, silly. Not the ENTIRE list. Just three out of four. I’m not greedy.) * Anatomically Correct Desperate Housewives Blow-Up Bree Doll–[Note from Humpy: A few of these gifts may be a bit hard to find, since many have […]

You know, I’m not the kind of guy who is prone to rash behavior. But sometimes, when I think of the worthless hacks that run TV Guide, I want to cut my face off, eat a box of dirty hypodermic needles, and throw myself into a washing machine filled with poisonous gas and angry hornets. […]

In the haunting and tumultuous world of television, nothing gets my juicy bits tingling like when the networks give the green light to a REALLY BAD IDEA. Of course, they’re giving green lights to bad ideas all the time… take any CBS Monday night sitcom for example. But it’s the truly horrific ideas that fill […]

Looking for an AWESOME idea? Well, I just thought of one! As you know, cable companies sell us network “packages”–each comprising anywhere from 50 to 75 stations. And as you also know, cable companies refuse to sell us these stations “à la carte”–where we could choose each of our stations individually according to our tastes […]

Don’t let anybody fool ya! While gullible optimists may say otherwise, the holiday season is tailor-made for throwing oneself down a flight of stairs, chugging bottles of pills, or sucking down the end of a shotgun. I mean, Thanksgiving is barely over and already I’m entertaining thoughts of diving headfirst into a drawer of knives. […]

You know, if I were a billionaire–and at my current rate, I’ll be one by the year 2947–I’d be just like Sir Richard Branson…THE REBEL BILLIONAIRE. You’ve undoubtedly heard of this money-pooping firebrand from his new show on Fox, The Rebel Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best (Tuesdays, 8 pm). And if not, I’m here […]