I Love Television

Recognize that gentle stirring within your loins? That, my friends, is MAY. The month when our juicy bits awaken from their winter slumber and begin squirming around in our trousers. Coincidentally, May is also a squirmy time for television because it’s “sweeps month,” a time when the networks trot out their specials and season finales […]

Does the Michael Jackson molestation trial make you want to vomit? ME TOO! Unfortunately, I’m like the dog who empties the contents of his stomach, and then happily laps it up again. I LOVE digging deeply into the Jackson trial transcripts and rooting out those sweet truffles of smut. For example, the security guard who […]

As you know, unless I’m referring to my own hindquarters, I am not given to superfluous hyperbole. So believe me when I tell you that I’ve discovered THE BEST TV SHOW… like… EVER! (Yes, even better than Passions‘ featuring a monkey dressed in a nurse outfit!) Its name? Wonder Showzen (MTV2, Fridays, 6:30 pm), and […]

Ever heard the phrase, “I’m only human”? Well, I’m only slightly more than human. So while I am indeed awesome in a myriad of ways, there are still just so many hours in the day, which makes it virtually impossible for me to watch every show on the hundreds of channels spanning network, cable, and […]

If you ask me, rednecks have gotten a bad rap from the media (and by “the media,” I mean ME, and by “rednecks,” I mean straw-chewing, mullet-wearing, English-slaughtering, stink-smelling, moonshine-drinking HILLBILLIES). And while there are certain rednecks who I shall forever despise–like that idiot comedian Jeff Foxworthy–I am willing to concede that not ALL monster […]

I have questions: With so many things in this world that clearly lick donkey stick, why do people insist on remaking all the great movies and TV shows? What drives studios to redo such classics as Psycho, The Manchurian Candidate, The Amityville Horror, and (perhaps most grievously) The Beverly Hillbillies? And why do people always […]

Yes, your boss is a prick. And I certainly agree that your cubemate’s voice sounds like a fork on a chalkboard. And you’ll hear no argument from me regarding your laughable, paltry wage. However, regardless of how much your job sucks, I can name a job that sucks 50 times more–the Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU) […]

In my continuing effort to create a “disconnect” between myself and I Love Television™ readers, let me just say this: I LOVE COPS. Overall, I think they’re great. I know a lot of my readers pooh-pooh cops (especially after receiving a ticket), but when a cranky One Tree Hill fan on meth comes charging into […]

Reality show stars are the modern-day equivalent to Jesus Christ. THERE, I SAID IT! Go ahead and have your evangelical freak-out and bash me in the head with rocks. But listen to what I have to say! Like Jesus, the stars of reality television were put on this earth to show us the way, and […]

Today my head is exploding. Apparently, I’ve come down with what’s medically referred to as a “sinus infection”–which means my oxygen intake has been reduced to 7.8 percent of its normal capacity, my skull feels like it’s being repeatedly kicked by a donkey with a bee in its ass, a green noxious sludge is spewing […]

If there’s one thing tripping off the lips of most TV watchers these days, it’s the “LESBIAN SUBPLOT” between drunk Marissa and her punky gal pal Alex on The O.C. (Fox, Thursdays, 8 pm). And while TV viewers have certainly enjoyed lesbian lip-locks in the past, this teenage muff-lickin’ affair is extra special, because as […]

You know, there’s nothing I’d like better than to step on Dr. Phil’s face. And not in a gentle sort of manner, either. I’d like to step on his face indelicately–perhaps wearing golf shoes, and while putting all my weight on one foot. Then, with the spikes of my shoe deeply implanted into the skin […]