I Love Television

Dear Nerds: Let’s get one thing straight. I BEAT YOU UP. It’s nothing personal… just something I do. In fact, I’ve been beating you up since junior high, but here’s the weird thing: Though the public school system is teeming with bullies—I’m the only adult willing to admit I was a bully. So… where have […]

Looky here, jerkholes! (Not you—I mean those jerkholes over at the networks.) My TiVo can only take so much! See, I appreciate a certain amount of competitiveness between the networks—but scheduling all my fave shows on one night during the same time slot is a VERY STUPID AND DANGEROUS THING TO DO. Oh! And don’t […]

Screw television. I’m renaming this column “I ♥ Vicodin.” Normally I’m not a big fan of dental work—but if it inspires my dentist to ladle out bottles and bottles of these wonderful pills? Sign me up for root canals for the rest of the year! You know, a lot of people complain about Vicodin, crying, […]

O, how I marvel at thee, TV! One moment you’re giving us such pristine joys as Lost and Arrested Development, the next you shove our faces in the rotting garbage piles of Two and a Half Men and Joey. You’re like my former bipolar lover, who would burst into tears every time we had sex. […]

Regular readers know I make anywhere from three to 12 “butt jokes” a week in this column. This, however, is no time for anal fixations—because we are facing the busiest, most entertaining week of TV all year. OMIGOD. For example! On Thursday it’s the season premiere of Survivor: Guatemala (CBS, 8 pm), while on Monday […]

Dear friends and family: How are you? Fine, I hope. I am writing to let you know that as of… mmmm… right about now, I want nothing to do with you for the next three months. And stop looking at me like I just spit in your mouth. You know as well as I do […]

Don’t you dare accuse me of having a weird sexual obsession with Boy Scouts—BECAUSE I DON’T! However, if there is one motto I can point to that has gotten me out of plenty of sticky situations, it’s that old Scouts saying, “BE PREPARED.” For example, last week I wrote of my short and successful stay […]

Television just looooves making a big honking deal out of prison—like it’s the worst thing in the world or something! HBO’s Oz portrayed prison life as a trip through Satan’s porno collection; with rapes, beatings, and murders happening with alarming regularity. But I’m here to tell all the kids who read my column, prison ain’t […]

And here’s another thing I don’t like about kids! [If you’re just joining us, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey has been ranting about children for the past two and a half days. We join his rant, already in progress.—Editor] Since when did KIDS start dictating how adults should behave? When I was growing up, I was only […]

BLECCHHH! Oh my god… my stomach is churning. And you know the saliva that builds up in your mouth when you’re overcome by nausea? Well, I’ve got that saliva! Ooohhhh… I just want to lie my throbbing head down on the cool, cool tile of the bathroom floor. Ahhhh… that’s better. BLECCHHH! Omigod, omigod, there’s […]

You know, it’s really annoying when a basic law of nature is repeatedly broken. And by this I mean the immutable “LAW OF FAME.” I can’t remember who came up with it–probably Einstein–but it goes something like this: “Everyone is famous for 15 minutes… after that we beat the shit out of you.” Or something […]

What the FAWK is up with TV this week? There we all were, having a great time in front of the tube, laughing at the sadistic shenanigans of Hell’s Kitchen, sneering at the nerds of Beauty and the Geek, and becoming sexually aroused by the porkable bottom of Boomer in Battlestar Galactica. Clearly 2005 was […]