I Love Television

Oh, what I wouldn‘t do to be dead! Perhaps then people would finally learn to appreciate my brilliance. And yet, here I am, wallowing away in anonymity, simply because I don’t have enough sense to become dead. In fact, being not dead is killing my career! Let’s face it, people: Being “dead” is hot! Just […]

Let me tell you what’s stupid about Star Trek. (I know, I know… kicking a show that’s been cancelled is like challenging a quadruple amputee to a breakdancing competition. But what can I say? I’m an awesome breakdancer.) Star Trek is stupid because they barely ever have sex. Yes, blowing the shit out of aliens […]

What‘s the matter with kids today? Nowadays it seems like you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a mixed-up teen listening to crazy rap music or playing with his Pokey-man cards! What ever happened to the simple pleasures of youth I experienced as a teen? Such as cigarettes, unprotected sexual intercourse, and drinking ass-flavored […]

I know… I know. In bitter times like these, when all you can see are flaccid Democrats, lying Republicans, and Downing Street memos, it’s hard to say “Whoopee!!” about being an American. That’s why, on this July 4th, we’re going to take time to count our goddamn blessings! Blessing #1: We’re not French! Blessing #2: […]

I know a lot of you think of me as a fat, boorish tub of crap who has no respect for the finer things in life, because he’s too busy scratching his red, rashy ass and chasing the next hot piece of poon-tang. Well, my ass rash has cleared up, thankyouverymuch… and as for my […]

Ever get the feeling the years are flying by? Well, get ready for a coronary, grandpa, because MTV’s The Real World is starting its 16th season (Tues, June 21, 10 pm)! Did’ja hear that, you old bag of undigested Metamucil? SIXTEEN YEARS! That means you are now officially OLD! In fact, you’re SO old, this […]

If you‘re wearing shoes, better take them off–otherwise your socks are gonna get blown out your ass! Why? Because it’s time for the awesomest awards ceremony ever… THE HUMPY AWARDS™! (Applause!) That’s right, the Humpy Awards™ is the only television award ceremony that lets YOU vote for the shows you love and those you want […]

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING spells hilarity like a good dose of humiliation–especially when it happens to someone other than me! Like, this one time? I was working as a department store bra fitter–which should be a dream job, right? Except my boss was French and a total gasbag! He was always, “No, no, noooo, […]

If you‘re anything like me, then you’re paralyzed from the waist down after spending the entire month on your ham watching exciting season finales! It seems that, according to my quack doctor, I’ve temporarily damaged my ass bone–which, unbeknownst to me, is directly connected to my spine, which, unbeknownst to me, operates everything from my […]

Having a heart attack in the next few days? Well, better reschedule, because it’s SEASON FINALE WEEK! And no season finale is more exciting than The O.C. ‘s, which winds up this Thursday, May 19, at 8:00 p.m. on Fox. Will Ryan murder his brother for trying to rape Marissa? Will Seth succumb to the […]

While life is always a tediously boring endeavor, this week there are TWO deliriously exciting developments in the world of television. First up, it’s the train wreck we’ve been waiting practically our whole lives to see… the new Britney Spears reality show! EEEEEEEEE! Couldn’t you just die!? Debuting this Tuesday, May 17, at 9 pm […]

[Editor‘s Note—Wm. ™ Steven Humphrey is on vacation this week, which means you‘re invited to suffer through the following agonizing column from the “I Love Television™” archives. Enjoy!] You know, when I was growin’ up down South, there weren’t nothin’ I liked better than suckin’ down a pint of moonshine, jumpin’ in my pick-’em-up truck, […]