I Love Television

Though my reputation may lead you to believe otherwise, I do not wish “death” upon anyone. Okay, maybe I do wish death upon Dr. Phil—but C’MON! That balding, pear-shaped dickhole is a blight upon humankind, and needs to have his head shoved into the bottom of a gastrointestinally-challenged donkey. Then, after forcing Dr. Phil to […]

It‘s a pretty ridiculous state of affairs when a show like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is still considered to be one of the most subversive shows on television. Christ in a bag of cats, people! The show’s not subversive if my grandma prefers Carson Kressley and his ugly belts to my twice-yearly visits […]

FYI: I do NOT make a conscious decision to be evil. Yes, I beat up nerds. Yes, I toy with my lovers’ hearts like a cat slashes away at a mouse’s face. And yes, I purposefully say things to enflame the fundamentalist Christian/ Islamic-Muslim/ Republican/Jenny Craig-Weight Watchers community. HOWEVER! By not physically stopping me from […]

Regular readers of this column already know how I feel about network executives—but I do love repeating myself! By and large, network execs are only concerned about two things: where their next bump of blow is coming from, and when their next prostitute will arrive. (While the cocaine is definitely more important, they need the […]

Let‘s imagine you’ve got a rare brain disease that makes you spit out obscenities at inopportune moments, strip down to your underpants in public, and sleep with people whom you normally consider unattractive. (Hmmm… this disease is sounding awfully familiar.) Okay, now imagine having the opportunity to take on NFL Heisman Trophy winner Herschel Walker […]

Bow down! I said, “BOW DOWN, you unworthy tub of crap!” Bow down before the wondrous exalted majesty of his holiness, C. Thomas Howell. WHAT?!? You did NOT just pretend to be ignorant of C. Thomas Howell’s contributions to society. What kind of contributions? Oh. Well… like… like… The Outsiders, jerkhole! C. Thomas Howell acted […]

As you‘ve probably heard, last week’s announcement that the WB and UPN will be joining forces to create one slightly more popular network was every TV geek’s wet dream. I mean, C’MON! My remote finger was getting absolutely fatigued switching back and forth between Veronica Mars (UPN) and Smallville (WB). Now I can use that […]

Okay, nothing new or interesting is coming on this week. BUT WAIT! Just because TV has once again let you down, that’s no reason to take your fury out on me. As you know, my success depends on your reading this column on a weekly basis—whether I have anything interesting to say or not. But […]

Apparently, I have a bad reputation with Christians. Almost daily, I receive emails from these people reminding me I’m “going to roast in the eternal fires of damnation,” “scream for mercy as Satan tortures my anus with his red-hot poker,” and that I would have been better off “being aborted—just so your mother could join […]

“THIS WEEK! Super agent Jack Bauer returns in another exciting, pants-wetting, testicle-dropping, liposuction-ing season of the Fox hit series 24! (Sun Jan 15, 8 pm) DO… NOT… MISS… IT!!” Okay, how did I do? See, I’m really sick of scribbling TV columns and have decided to apply for the promo-writing job at Fox. Why? Because […]