I Love Television

O, What an Annoying War You know what burns my beans? It’s this stoopid WAR. But it’s not the war as much as it is the stoopid things people are doing around the war. For example, I’d like to go 10 minutes without some warmonger or protester stridently reminding me to “SUPPORT THE TROOPS!!” The […]

Your New TV Show! Check it! Who’s the nicest TV columnist in the world? You’re goddamn right it’s me! And this week’s “Nice Thing I’m Going to Do for You” is called “Making You a Crap-Load of Money.” How do we accomplish this? By turning you into a fancy-shmancy television producer! It’s a scientific fact […]

Hump Gone Wild There’s been a lot of chitter-chat saying that Wm.™ Steven Hump-me is against the concept of Girls Gone Wild. Let me state now and for the record that “girls” can go as “wild” as they wish! What I’m concerned about is “Hump” going “broke”! But let’s back up a bit. Anyone who […]

Brand New Jesus So I was sitting outside the Laundromat drinking a 40 and reading a Little Archie comic, when suddenly a thought came bustin’ through my brain like a rhino on Rollerblades. And the thought was this: “What we need is a brand-new Jesus!” “Whoooaaaaa! Hold on there, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!” I hear you […]

Robin Is a Dirty Bird As you undoubtedly realize, I am a good person, and good people do not sit in judgment of other people’s sexual proclivities. Especially when I just finished sexually procliverating a few minutes ago! Ahh-ROOOO! Yeeaaahhh, mama! Pant! Pant! Rrrrrrowwwrrr!!! Ahh-OOH–GAHHH! Okay, goddammit. What was my point? Oh, yeah! Today we’re […]

And Now I Shall Gloat As you know, I’m not one to toot my own horn (because if I were, I’d be at home tooting it right now instead of writing this dumb column). However! While I’m usually humbly silent in the face of success, I do feel my TV critic competition should be informed […]

My Michael Jackson Special You know it’s really unfortunate that I never got around to making a documentary about Michael Jackson. Because if I did, I would be so rich I’d be backstrokin’ in a fur-lined swimming pool filled with cognac, and doing cannonballs off a diving board made of compressed cocaine into the waiting […]

Spinning Off For those among us who think life is like a sitcom, you are officially stoopid. I mean, c’mon!! Have you ever been accidentally locked in a freezer with your father-in-law? Do you have a smart-mouthed kid who’s smarter than you are? Are you a maid who works for a rich honky and two […]

Why Aren’t You on TV? What’s that? You’ve never been on TV before?!? Ha HA, HA, HA, HA, HAWWWWWW! Ahhhhh HAW! Ah HAW! Ah HAW!!! Stop it! You’re killing me! Haaaaaaa, haaaaaa, huh? Oh my god. You’re serious aren’t you? Wow. I’m so sorry. I just figured I mean, well, I thought everybody had been […]

Joe Spoiler Alert! You know me, right? During the first five minutes of The Sixth Sense, I was the guy in the crowded theater that yelled out, “Hey! That Bruce Willis dude is DEAD!” Yep, that was me–and it’s also me who’s about to ruin the ending of the Fox show Joe Millionaire (Mondays, 9 […]

Annoying.com There’s an old adage that goes, “50 million Elvis fans can’t be wrong.” That is to say, it doesn’t matter if you DON’T like Elvis–there are 50 million people who DO like Elvis, and therefore your opinion about Elvis is crap. But here’s another example: CSI: Miami. Even though I’ve said 35 kazillion times […]

Nature Wars! God!! The networks can be so INFURIATING!! My job is to pick out the best upcoming television shows, mix in a few jokes about monkeys and my honey-baked ham, and then regurgitate it back to you on a weekly basis. Am I right? So HOW am I supposed to do my job when […]