I Love Television

Surprising though it may be, I’ve received a lot of emails this week that take umbrage with my use of the term, “making gravy.” For those of you new to I Love Television™, “making gravy” is a term I commonly use for the act of “coitus,” as in “Yo, baby, babaaaay! Let’s sneak off behind […]

If you’ve been reading the newspapers (which, by the way, I never do–colossal waste of time), you’ve probably noticed the dramatic upswing of KA-RAZY behavior. I’m not going to list any specific examples because, as mentioned earlier, I don’t read the newspapers. However, I’ve heard from acquaintances who do read the newspapers that lots of […]

O, the joys of puberty! And for those unfamiliar with medical jargon, “puberty” is a Latin word meaning “Hey, look! I’m growin’ pubes!” Ahhh, yes. I remember fondly when I found my first pube [cue stupid Garrison Keillor music]. I was seven years old. Sure, that seems a little young to go through puberty, but […]

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-DOGGY! Things sure have been krazy-krappy for the last few weeks, haven’t they? I mean, things were going along just fine (in actuality, things were pretty goddam boring) and then, without any warning, KABLOOEY! A robotic monkey sticks you in a box of laundry detergent and ships you off to a hippie commune. Suddenly, it’s […]

All right relax everybody! Humpy is back in the hizz-ouse, and that goddam robotic monkey who tried to bury me in a box of laundry detergent is now a pile of screws and wires that looks like somebody blew up a Radio Shack. (If you missed the last few columns, the confusion you feel is […]

Attention foolish mortals! It is I, Mysterio, the Psychic Computerized Monkey! Normally, this idiotic column is written by my self-involved former master Wm.™ Steven Humphrey–and it still would be HAD I NOT DESTROYED HIM!! His unceasing attempts to deprogram me for saying “girl pussy” 100 times in a row drove me to the act of […]

OKAY! As those who read last week’s column know, I bought me a psychic computerized monkey called Mysterio, the Psychic Computerized Monkey! Its task? To correctly predict the success and/or failure of the new fall television shows. And I would like to say that my new robotic monkey pal was a complete success! But I […]

Failure. It is a concept that has grown wearisome. Every fall I pick the best and worst new shows of the season, and every fall I am proven to be a complete idiot. Without fail, every show I think is brilliant is canceled after three episodes–and every show I think sucks dead hippo gravy ends […]

Who is the greatest terroristof our time? Barbara Fawking Walters! Okay, so maybe she isn’t parking vanloads of fertilizer in front of the mayor’s office; but at the very least she’s an emotional terrorist! See, the worst thing about being a celebrity isn’t freaking out on coke or wrapping your Ferrari around a telephone pole […]

All RIGHT! It’s high time we all gave straight-up props to our black brothas and sistahs. Think about it, honky! They give and they give and they give, and we take and we take and we take. For example, we all know my continuing fascination with the booty, right? Well, who do you think turned […]

Y’know, I wish I had a nickel for every panel of psychologists who’ve ever tried to figure out whether or not I’m GAY. I mean, I can understand their confusion: One minute I’m bragging about rubbing the satiny softness of J. Lo’s bootay, and the next minute I’m waxing poetic about taking a ride on […]