New Column! Archives - Portland Mercury

The Failure Parade

A look back at the Mercury’s most unsuccessful “New Columns.”

Frank CassanoJuly 31, 2025 3:48 amSeptember 17, 2025 11:44 pm

[Find the Mercury‘s 25th Anniversary Issue (in print) near you by using this handy-dandy map, and read all of our anniversary stories here.—eds.] Hello, fuck-faces. My name is Frank Cassano—former author of “The Imbecile Parade,” the only truly successful column this shit-rag of a newspaper has ever produced. For the Mercury’s undeserved 25th anniversary, the drug-addled […]

Comedy

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: “Are You Voting for Biden or Bernie?”

Frank CassanoMarch 12, 2020 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 3:37 pm

This Week’s Question: Are You Voting for Biden or Bernie? {{image:1, align:right, width:75}} “Are you kidding, bro? Bernie! And if you vote for any of those other corporate shills, I sure hope you like being a sheep getting skull-fucked by our vampire oligarchs and their spineless Democrat accomplices! Bernie’s revolution is here, and if you’re […]

Comedy

New Column! “I Passed My Hep C Test!” by Ryan Seacrest

Ryan SeacrestFebruary 27, 2020 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 3:37 pm

Calling all my enemies: Guess what, buttholes? I DON’T HAVE HEP C! That’s right, bird brains: I just got back from the doctor and—boo-hoo for you—I don’t have a single Hep C virus in my body. Ohhhh… are you disappointed? YEAH, I JUST BET YOU ARE. I see right through your bull hockey. You and […]

Comedy

New Column: “I Think I Caused the Coronavirus” by Billy Ray Cyrus

Billy Ray CyrusFebruary 13, 2020 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 3:37 pm

Folks, I’m just about as embarrassed as a poodle that done fell into a pig pen. First of all, if y’all ain’t never heard of me, I’m Billy Ray Cyrus. Your grandmama might remember me from my 1992 number one smash single “Achy Breaky Heart.” You might remember me as the daddy of Hannah Montana […]

Comedy

New Column!: Tip Her a Fiver! by Adam Driver

Adam DriverJanuary 30, 2020 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 3:37 pm

If you’re anything like me—Adam Driver, two-time Academy Award nominee, NBD—you’d better know how to tip! Funny story: I was in the 2019 Broadway revival of Burn This—for which I received a Tony nomination, NBD—and one night after rehearsal I was dining with my co-star Keri Russell (winner of the Golden Globe for Best Performance […]

New Column!

Hey Lovebirds! It’s Time to Submit Your FREE Mercury Valentine!

Wm. Steven HumphreyJanuary 16, 2020 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 3:37 pm

Because we love you more than life itself, every year the Mercury happily publishes YOUR VALENTINES to your loved ones FOR FREE (!!) in our annual Valentine’s Day Issue. Let’s face it—the internet is good for a number of things… primarily free porn… but is TERRIBLE at expressing love. That’s why writing a FREE (!!) […]

New Column!

Send Us Your “Online Dating War Story”—and Win Big Bucks!

Wm. Steven HumphreyDecember 19, 2019 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 3:37 pm

We’ve all been there—an online date that goes horribly, hilariously wrong or starts so badly it never gets off the ground in the first place. Don’t just tell your friends… TELL IT TO THE WORLD! Now you can turn your dreadfully funny experience into COLD HARD CASH with the Mercury’s “Online Dating War Stories” Essay […]

Comedy

The “Decade in Review” Match Game!

Wm. Steven HumphreyDecember 19, 2019 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 3:37 pm

Wow! A lot of things can happen in a decade—which makes it hard to remember them all. Let’s see how much YOU can remember by matching the person or thing (1-13) to the answer that best describes it (A-M). Answers are below and good luck (in the sure-to-be-horrible coming decade)! 1. Ammon Bundy 2. Charlie […]

Comedy

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: “What Are You Thankful For?”

Frank CassanoNovember 21, 2019 4:00 amSeptember 30, 2024 8:38 pm

{{image:1, align:right, width:150}} “I’m thankful for my health, and that I’ve got a nice house, a good car, and a rewarding job to pay for it all.” —Fredrick Samuels, West Hills Here’s another thing you should be grateful for, fuckface: That the peasants who suffer in the town below your posh West Hills mansion haven’t […]

Comedy

Announcing the 2020 Portland Mercury FOOD WEEK Schedule

Wm. Steven HumphreyNovember 7, 2019 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 3:38 pm

The Portland Mercury has had great success with our various food and drink weeks—Burger Week, Pizza Week, Nacho Week, Highball Cocktail Week, Wing Week, and more—so why stop there? Get your stomach ready, because we’re adding EVEN MORE DELICIOUS FOOD WEEKS. Introducing the Portland Mercury’s Food Week Schedule for 2020! • Peanut Butter ‘N’ Jelly […]

Comedy

Portland’s Most Haunted Places (That You Never Knew Were Super Fucking Haunted)!

Mercury StaffOctober 24, 2019 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 3:38 pm

• The Vera Katz statue on the Eastbank Esplanade • The Slurpee dispenser at Plaid Pantry on Burnside that dispenses human souls • Every square inch of Mall 205 • The bread aisle of the Hawthorne Fred Meyer • Those two basketball hoops off to the side of the main court at Laurelhurst Park • […]

Comedy

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: Should Donald Trump be Impeached?

Frank CassanoOctober 10, 2019 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 3:38 pm

{{image:1, align:left, width:150}} “Absolutely. Once I learned the president tried to coerce Ukraine’s leader for personal gain, I realized he not only broke the law, but had shaken America’s faith in democracy.” —Toby R. Sorenson, Southeast Portland {{image:4, align:right, width:150}} “Oh, really, Toby? Now America’s faith in democracy is ‘shaken’? Thanks for the breaking news, […]

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