Dear Mansplainer: Let me be very clear: I do not have a question, okay? I’m not asking you anything. I do not need your advice, nor do I need your opinion… I just want to say something, and I want you to listen. Just hear my words, and don’t respond. Take what I’m saying, put […]
New Column!
Posted inComedy
Li’l Robert Mueller Mysteries: The Case of the Dubious President
Li’l Robert Mueller—the smartest boy in the third grade—was in his detective agency/club house when the door burst open. “Li’l Robert!” gasped an out-of-breath Edwin Slatterby, a boy in Robert’s class. “There are shenanigans afoot!’ “I’m intrigued,” Li’l Robert said, neatly folding his issue of the Washington Post. “Tell me all about it.” “Well,” Edwin […]
Posted inComedy
You’re Wrong About That: Your Mustache
Hello. I’m Francine Colman-Gutierrez, and here are some things you’re wrong about. “Spring is almost here!”: No, it isn’t. Eating salt water taffy is a fun experience: Wrong, and that has never been the case. Taxing the rich: Can’t we go straight to guillotining the rich? Babies: Wrong. Look, they’ve had a good run. “I […]
Posted inComedy
Ask a Soiled Mattress Down by the River
Got a question for Soiled Mattress Down by the River? Send it to “Ask a Soiled Mattress Down by the River” c/o this newspaper. Dear Soiled Mattress Down by the River: My 15th wedding anniversary is right around the corner, and I really want to do something special to show my husband how much I […]
Posted inNew Column!
Hey Lovebirds! It’s Time to Submit Your FREE Mercury Valentine!
Because we love you more than life itself, every year the Mercury happily publishes YOUR VALENTINES to your loved ones FOR FREE (!!) in our annual Valentine’s Day Issue. Let’s face it—the internet is good for a number of things… primarily free porn… but is TERRIBLE at expressing love. That’s why writing a FREE (!!) […]
Posted inComedy
The Mercury’s Absolutely, 100 Percent Guaranteed Accurate, Predictions for 2019!
► In 2019, millions of out-of-state crows descend on Portland following success of new sitcom, Crowlandia. ► A typo in Paul Allen’s will accidentally bequeaths Portland Trail Blazers to sister’s dog McScribbits, a 14-year-old morbidly obese Puginese. ► Patriot Prayer’s Joey Gibson signs endorsement deal with Under Armour. ► Hall & Oates concert at Oregon […]
Posted inComedy
Baby New Year Can Go Straight to Hell
That’s right—I said it! Baby New Year can go straight to hell! In case you’ve forgotten—and most of you have—I was Baby New Year once, too! In January 2018. And ohhhhh, you loved me then, didn’t you? You had such high hopes for me and the new year. But now? You hate me. Why? Because […]
Posted inComedy
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: “What Do You Want from Santa This Year?”
{{image:1, align:right, width:200}} “I want a pretty pony!”—Rebecca Jenson, age 8 Merry Christmas, Rebecca! Allow me to give you your present early: The news that you’ll NEVER get a goddamn pony! You live in a fucking city, bed-pisser! Where do you plan on keeping a fucking HORSE? Inside your mother’s studio apartment? Next to your […]
Posted inComedy
“Just Puttin’ Out Feelers!” by Mayor Ted Wheeler
Portland constituents: It’s come to my attention that whenever I offer a totally awesome idea that would improve this city, I get yelled at in a very rude manner. Case in point: my recent “Protest Safety Ordinance,” in which the police commissioner (hey, that’s me!) would decide the time and place for every potentially violent […]
Posted inComedy
“Both Sides” Journalism Presents… “Carton of Spoiled Milk: Dangerous or Simply Misunderstood?”
VANCOUVER, Washington (AP)—A spoiled carton of milk claims that its “freedom to poison” has been violated by a Vancouver man who accused the milk of ruining his bowl of breakfast cereal. According to the man’s victim impact statement, it only took one spoonful of milk-soaked Honey Nut Cheerios for Danny Lister, 28, to realize something […]
Posted inComedy
Last Minute Halloween Costume Ideas!
Sexy Midterm Election Anxiety Sexy E-Scooter Sexy Angry Miniature Horse Sexy Climate Change Sexy Ex’s Costume from Last Year (Come Get Your Stuff, Seth!) Sexy Patriot Prayer Thug Sexy Couch (Achieved by Taping Couch Cushions to Your Front and Back) Sexy Anti-Abortion Ballot Measure Sexy Staph Infection Sexy Commuter Who Gets Held Up by a […]