Hello students and faculty! Connor Chadbourne here, child ombudsman of Fillmore Elementary School. Welp, it’s been another busy year for ombudsmaning—because as usual, the students have plenty of complaints! Here are but two of the many cases I successfully resolved this past school year. Principal Wilkins Accused of Tetherball Malfeasance Background: Frankie Malone (fifth grade) […]
New Column!
Posted inEvents
Quick! Get Your Tickets Now for the Best of HUMP!
Everyone loves HUMP! (AKA America’s sweetest homegrown porn festival). But what if you made the disappointing mistake of missing one of HUMP!’s sexy shorts? FEAR NOT! Because the BEST OF HUMP! is coming to Revolution Hall on June 22 and 23, and tickets are on sale NOW. With permission from the directors and actors, we’re […]
Posted inComedy
Fleet Week Tips from the Royal Canadian Navy
On behalf of the Royal Canadian Navy, I’m simply thrilled to be visiting Portland, Oregon, for Fleet Week. However, please be advised I have very high expectations for the way Canadian naval personnel are treated while visiting your fair city: • As a member of the Royal Canadian Navy, I deserve the same respect as […]
Posted inComedy
Celebrate Trump’s Latest Fuck-Up with This Beautiful “Failed North Korea Summit” Commemorative Coin!
On June 12, 2018, President Donald J. Trump was scheduled to hold a history-making nuclear arms summit with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. With this meeting, Trump would finally prove himself worthy of the title of president, having succeeded where so many other American leaders have failed. Unfortunately for him (and the rest of the […]
Posted inComedy
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade
This Week’s Question: What’s Your Favorite Fun Summer Activity?
{{image:1}} “I like to cook up some ribs on the ol’ barbecue on the deck and tip back some cold ones with my buddies and my wonderful wife!” —Jeff Willford, Beaverton Jeff, you are a tedious, shit-for-brains IMBECILE. Thanks for BORING ME TO FUCKING DEATH—just bury me with your friends who died from salmonella poisoning. […]
Posted inPolitics
One Hulk’s Opinion: Election Results from the Incredible Hulk
Hulk have question: AM PUNY PORTLANDERS GONE STUPID? Hulk under impression puny humans know how newspapers work! But apparently Hulk have to remind puny dummies: Newspapers—in particular Hulk column—tell puny humans how to vote (them called “endorsements”) AND THEN PUNY HUMANS VOTE FOR WHO HULK SAY! Because if puny humans vote opposite of what Hulk […]
Posted inPolitics
One Hulk’s Opinion
More Editorial Endorsements from the Incredible Hulk
More editorial endorsements from the Incredible Hulk.
Posted inComedy
One Hulk’s Opinion
Election Endorsements from the Incredible Hulk
As puny human know, Hulk VERY busy with VERY famous and popular movie star career! (Avengers: Infinity War—MAYBE YOU HEAR OF IT?) But even though Hulk very famous and popular, Hulk not forget puny Portlanders and their stupid little cow-town election no one care about! So Hulk here with Hulk 2018 Election Endorsements! Yes, Hulk […]
Posted inI, Anonymous
Confessions… Rants… LAUGHS! It’s the I, Anonymous Show—Wednesday, May 2!
For those who love crazy rants, sexy secrets, and laughing your guts out… have we got the show for you! It’s the monthly I, Anonymous Show, in which we pick the WILDEST anonymous submissions from the Mercury’s very popular column and blog, and read them live onstage to an enthusiastic audience! Hosted by Portland’s Funniest […]
Posted inComedy
An Exclusive Excerpt from James Comey’s A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership
James Comey’s New Memoir Offers Shocking Information and Striking Insights
James Comey’s new memoir offers shocking information and striking insights.
Posted inEvents
Looking for Fun? The Mercury’s THINGS TO DO is the Best Entertainment Calendar in Town!
Hey you! Love having fun? Need to know where to find it? Well, the Portland Mercury’s Things to Do online calendar is THE BEST EVENT CALENDAR IN PORTLAND—hands down, full stop! What makes Things to Do the BOSSEST calendar in Portland? Check this out: ★ It’s super easy to find any type of event you’re […]
Posted inNew Column!
What’s the Scoop?
Hope You’re Ready for Some SCOOPS!
Hope you’re ready for some SCOOPS!