Welcome to the Mercury Clone-a-Willy Speed Auction™!

As you may remember from yesterday, eBay pulled our Clone-a-Willy package from their site because it’s apparently too obscene. I KNOW, RIGHT? Anyway, F-bomb them. We’re taking matters (and clone-a-willies) into our own hands — LITERALLY— with this Mercury Clone-a-Willy Speed Auction™! Here’s what’s in the package:

Here’s your chance to get four different Clone-A-Willy (cloneawilly.com) kits (including soap, candle, and glow in the dark) and a Clone-A-Pussy chocolate kit! Plus two “Tongue Vibe Quickies” (that’s right, tongue vibrators!) two “Finger Vibes” (that’s right, finger vibrators!), and one Personal Vibrating foam sponge (rub-a-dub-dub!). The retail value of this is at least $225!

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AND HERE’S HOW THE SPEED AUCTION WILL WORK:
1) Below you will see the Mercury’s “DONATE NOW” Paypal button.
2) Click on that and make a donation to benefit Portland Women’s Crisis Line.
3) Whoever makes the biggest donation by 5 pm today (Friday, Dec 12) wins the entire package!

“BUT I DON’T WANT TO DONATE IF I DON’T GET ANYTHING IN RETURN!” You are getting the knowledge that your donations to Portland Women’s Crisis Line directly helps survivors of domestic abuse and sexual violence. With state and federal government cuts, PWCL needs our help more than ever! We CAN’T let this awesome non-profit go away. It’s far too necessary.

THAT BEING SAID, LET’S UP THE ANTE! If you donate the most, and win this package, I, Mercury editor Wm. Steven Humphrey and managing editor Marjorie Skinner will come to your residence (within a one hour radius) and “ASSIST” YOU IN MAKING A CLONE-A-WILLY CLONE OF YOURSELF. (Amount of actual genital touching is negotiable.) We are completely serious, and that’s how devoted we are to helping PWCL.

And just to prove how serious I am… BOOM! I just put my first and only bid for the Clone-a-Willy package. I donated $75 (it’s worth it not to touch your penis). So if you want this package and help in creating a willy from myself and Marjorie Skinner, then donate now, and donate OVER $75. The largest donation wins, and “bidding” ends at 5 pm!

CLICK THE DONATION BUTTON BELOW, AND PLEASE BE GENEROUS!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

3 replies on “Clone-a-Willy Speed Auction! (Or, I Will Touch Your Genitals for Cash)”

  1. Wait, so this is a “silent auction” where I won’t know if I’m the high bidder until the whole thing is over?

    Can I take pictures of Steve and Marjorie making a chocolate phallus of myself if I’m the winner?

  3. Oh my gosh, Steve and Majorie. PWCL is so appreciative of your support. Talk about going ABOVE and BEYOND!

    Linda Miles
    Development Director
    PWCL

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