Whatās up, party people, and welcome to This Too Shall Pass! My nameās Elinor Jones, and Iāll be your news and gossip columnist for your biweekly Portland Mercury. Iām gonna be honest with you straight out the gate: I really wish I hadnāt started with āWhatās up, party people.ā Um, do people still say waazzzzupppppppp? Ahoy-hoy?? (Note to self: learn how people talk.) I know Iāll never fill the dainty shoes of my brilliant predecessor Ann Romano, but Iāll do my best; like her, Iāve got a giant brain filled with impeccable opinions, one hell of a mouth, and a big olā half page to fill with steaming hot news. So roll up your sleeves, Portland, and letās go! (Weāre not going to get dirty, but everyone looks cooler with their sleeves rolled up.) Okay, everyone lookinā cool? Go pee one more time. Nice. Now we can go.
McCain and Franklin OUT
How lucky am I to be starting this gig during what has got to be the most insane point in human history?! Last week was a major moment in politics and pop culture as two pillars of American life, Aretha Franklin and John McCain, were laid to rest. My favorite thing about Arethaās funeral is that it took place over several days, with multiple costume changes; my favorite thing about McCainās funeral is the footage of George W. Bush sneaking Michelle Obama a piece of candy. PRO: Being on good terms with Michelle Obama is the only thing Wās legacy has going for it. CON: Old dudes slipping women candy is straight-up creepy.
Loose Lips (Also Sounds Creepy)
You know who wasnāt at either of those very important national events? Our idiot president, Donald Trump (who, Iāll be sure to mention like Ann Romano before me, lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes)! Not only was he not invited to any of the cool parties, but heās really having a terrible go at this āleader of the free worldā thing. Thereās a new book from Bob Woodward titled Fear: Trump in the White House, and from what Iāve gathered so far from the leaked snippets, just about everybody in Trumpās top circle calls him some iteration of ācomplete and utter dum-dumā behind his back, and I love it. Hot on the heels of Woodwardās book was an anonymous op-ed published by the New York Times by someone claiming to be a senior White House official, who tries to comfort us by saying, āthere are adults in the room.ā Uhhhhh, which adults, specifically? Because itās not really comforting if the adults are just sneaky puppet masters using the presidentās incompetence and stupidity to pull off their seriously evil shit. My shocking hot take: Donāt trust any of āem!
Goopy Eggs
Looking for a vaginal egg that will invigorate your sex life and enhance your chi? Well, too bad! Theyāre fake! Gwyneth Paltrowās lifestyle brand, Goop, hyped the health benefits of this dubious product (which is essentially just a well-polished crotch rock), only to be forced to settle a consumer protection lawsuit that pointed out the beneficial effects of said crotch rocks, shockingly, āwere not supported by competent and reliable science.ā Canāt wait to see what wellness insertion device theyāll be replacing this with! Maybe butt diamonds?! (Would buy.)
#TooSoon
Speaking of asses, admitted (not alleged) serial sexual predator Louis C.K. recently made an unannounced appearance at a New York comedy club. People at the show just had to sit there in a closed room while he did whatever the hell he wanted. Sound familiar? Iām thinking maybe this guy hasnāt learned anything at all about consent! And what the hell, comedy club? You let him in?! The Mercuryās own beloved former columnist Ian Karmel summed it up on Twitter: āCan you imagine the bank youāre working at hiring back the guy who jacked off in front of women without their consent because it had been, like, a year or something?ā I wasnāt there, so who knows how I wouldāve responded, but I know what I want to say now: āBooo! What are you doing here? Your timeās up! Get off the stage! Youuuuu suuuuuuck! BOOOOOOOOOO!ā
Shush Off
You know who else is on forced vacation? Woody freaking Allen! According to Page Six, the 82-year-old is taking a breather from directing that has nothing at all to do with the fact that nobody wants to finance his films because heās an alleged child abuser, and it would be career suicide to get on the bad side of his son Ronan Farrow, who toppled Harvey Weinstein and CBSā Leslie Moonves. Note: Woody Allen and Louis C.K. are now playing the quiet game, and my sisters and I get to decide when theyāre done.
Headline of the Week
Sometimes a headline is so perfect, thereās no need to cloud your brainspace with details of the story. Hereās one now, from People magazine: āMichael Moore Claims Gwen Stefani Was the Reason Donald Trump Ran for President.ā Iām having this framed.
Reminder: Raccoons Are the Worst
Here in Portland, according to KGW, a woman is suing her former apartmentās property management company for failing to adequately deal with the buildingās communal trash, which led to a raccoon infestation, which in turn led to the woman being bit by a raccoon and racking up $26,000 in medical expenses. I hope she gets that amount, plus a billion dollars for the trauma, because fuck raccoons. Raccoons are the worst. Speaking of trash, Mayor Ted Wheeler announced that Portland will become āthe cleanest and most livable city in the United States.ā The Oregonian reports that Wheeler intends to put more trash receptacles on the streets and have more crews gathering garbage while somehow not targeting our cityās houseless residents who usually donāt have a choice but to leave their stuff outside. Good luck with that! The solution that leads to the persecution and expulsion of raccoons, rather than living, breathing human people, is cool with me. God, raccoons are just the type of assholes to celebrate a housing crisis, arenāt they?
The Last Word
Now weāre at the end! I hoped you enjoyed reading this column as much as I enjoyed drinking white wine spritzers and writing it. Feel free to direct any questions or concerns to a small piece of paper that you fold into an airplane and fly into a recycling bin (donāt litter!), and join me again in two weeks, when Iāll hopefully have an update on bad men being quiet, Trumpās imminent impeachment, and butt diamonds. Bye!
