Hello! It’s so springtime out there! I’m wearing non-black nail polish, the birds are chirping like they don’t know climate change will come for them too, and the shelves of Rite-Aid are overflowing with discount Easter candy, which is factually the most disgusting holiday for candies, but annoyingly, also the ~cutest~. My child demands baskets of presents from all rabbits and I let her because explaining the actual rules of Easter (“no, it’s just the grownup-sized bunnies that will give you presents, but only at night, when you’re asleep”) is too insane. So let’s put on our best pastels and pack up our Peeps, little chili babies: We’ve got gossip to chomp!
The Most Important Release of Content of 2019
Pundits and plebes alike rejoiced last week at the full, unredacted release of a product that had been anxiously awaited by every human with a heartbeat across the globe: new stuff from Beyoncé! While we know and accept that she could rip vegan farts directly into each and every one of our faces and we’d thank her for it, Beyoncé bestowed upon us a Netflix documentary and live album, Homecoming, courtesy of her earth-shattering performances from last year’s Coachella Beychella, because she is a just and giving queen who wants us to be happy. Beyoncé wins the month for dropping content that actually lives up to the hype, ROBERT MUELLER. You heard me!
Fantasy and Testicle Content
Need more screen time with high drama and even higher risk of crotch damage than the boner that Beyoncé’s documentary gave everyone? Arya Stark and her merry band of murderers marched back into our lives last week with the premiere of the final season of the show that has made every last one of us an expert on genealogy: Game of Thrones. Kit Harington, who plays the smoldering bastard-(?)-next-door Jon Snow, finally got his first taste of joyriding dragons with Daenerys. Not only was this the best flying fantasy foreplay since the magic carpet ride in Aladdin, but filming it nearly cost Harrington a nut. According to People magazine, he said, “There was a bit where Jon almost falls off the dragon... and my right ball got trapped.” Yikes! The things a guy will do for his hot aunt! Thankfully, it seems that both of Harrington’s testicles survived the remainder of the show’s filming, and in a few short weeks we’ll know if the rest of Jon Snow’s body makes it through, too. I’m rooting for you, Jon Snow—you and your nuts!
Zombie Pig Content
Speaking of how what is dead may never die: ZOMBIE PIGS. According to NPR, scientists have been able to restimulate brain waves in pigs after they’ve been zipped up and hoof-tagged. Based on my extensive knowledge of zombie movies and my limited knowledge of the Bible, one of two things is likely to happen: 1) Pigs will rise from the dead and followers will rejoice in this miracle, leading to the development of a new religion where pigs are gods, or 2) zombie apocalypse, but the zombies are pigs. The ethics behind playing god are questionable but it sounds like we’re at least guaranteed a super cute choose-your-own-adventure out of it.
Idiot Content
Twitter’s Jack Dorsey recently suggested a new algorithm that sorts tweets by content rather than by the person posting, which would render the already-awful hell-site that leeches time from otherwise productive adults like me into nothing more than open comment threads on Facebook. But maybe we can cut Jack some slack for his terrible idea, because he’s also recently shared that his approach to “wellness” is fasting for days at a time, or only eating one meal per day. I followed a similar diet when I was 17 years old and thought I was some enlightened hot shit, but was actually just a hungry moron churning out one terrible idea after the next. Take it from me—once you start eating again, you’re gonna feel dumb, so just listen to the sweet siren call of bagels, buy the next size up in jeans, and stop trying to impress the wrong kinds of dudes, Elinor—er, I mean Jack!
Local Content
According to US News and World Report, our fair city ranks eighth in the country for best place to live. That’s not too impressive until you learn that our best frenemy Seattle was ranked ninth. Ha, ha! Suck it, Seattle! That said, it’s got to be good for all of our egos to note that we came in after Austin (makes sense), Denver (sure), Minneapolis (ouch, but okay), Colorado Springs (huh?), Des Moines (Iowa?! hang on a second...), and Fayetteville, Arkansas (what the hell?). In conclusion, the above-cited rankings are pure nonsense and should be disregarded at once because even though it makes sense that we’re better than Seattle, there is no fucking way we’re both worse than some random town in Arkansas.
Other Content
As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, Scary Spice Mel B recently shared that years ago she hooked up with Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell. I *loved* that story until recently learning that the Spice Girls may be canceling their reunion tour due to the drama it caused! Come on, ladies! As you yourselves said: Friendship never ends! ... Oohh, I found another thing about Game of Thrones! Khal Drogo, AKA Mr. Lisa Bonet, AKA Jason Momoa recently shaved his impossibly sexy-despite-being-very-scraggly beard to raise attention for recycling aluminum cans, which I already do, so yes, I will marry you and Lisa Bonet, Jason Momoa. ... Taylor Swift is counting down to something on her Instagram. More on this later. In the meantime, you wanna feel old? Taylor Swift turns 30 this year. We’re all going to die eventually.
The Last Word
Wow, we had a lot of death content for a column that started out so sweet! Sorry about that. It’s just that we’re all mortal and our time in this universe is fleeting so we may as well eat those jelly beans and bagels and let Beyoncé play us out. See you in two weeks, probably!
