Hello, Oregon! This weekâs column is all about YOU, since I was inspired by local hotel magnate/GOP donor/Trump henchman Gordon Sondland. Oregon doesnât produce a lot of national newsmakers, so thereâs some real misplaced pride when a local boy makes good, or in this case, very very bad. I mean, I still tell everyone that I used to watch Tonya Harding practice skating at Clackamas Town Center ahead of the 1994 Olympics. OREGON RULES! Letâs discuss.
This Land is Your Land, This Hotel is Sondlandâs
As you may know, Gordon Sondland owns a bunch of boutique hotels in downtown Portland, and he used some of our local money to buyâer, I mean donateâhis way into the Trump administration and his current position as the Ambassador to the European Union. This is very exciting, and by âexciting,â I mean, âWow, fuck this guy!â Congressman Earl Blumenauer feels the same way, and last week called for a boycott of Sondlandâs properties until he fulfills his legal obligation to fork over the good stuff to the Houseâs impeachment inquiry. If youâd like to follow your congressmanâs advice, let me make it easy for you: Sondlandâs company owns The Heathman, Hotel deLuxe, Hotel Lucia, The Sentinel, Dossier, and Woodlark. Local ice cream empire Salt & Straw has already terminated their relationship with these hotels. In the fight against fascism, I will always stand with sweet treats.
âBut Elinor,â you say sweetly. âTrumpâs the one who made the call! Maybe Sondlandâs not so bad?â Dear reader, let me assure you that Gordon Sondland is truly terrible. The New York Times reported Sondlandâs âactions made him vulnerable to foreign governments who could exploit his inexperience,â that he ârepeatedly told foreign officials they were welcome to come to the White House whenever they liked,â and that one time some Romanian officials showed up at the White House unannounced because Sondland told them they could. With all the doofs in Trumpâs inner circle, isnât it kind of cool that someone from here is one of the doofiest?
No Vaping! Okay, Some Vaping.
Oregon Governor Kate Brown implemented a six-month ban on flavored vaping products following a spate of deaths across the country. The Oregon Court of Appeals put a stay on the ban just two days after it went into effect, so the poor victimized tobacco industry can defend itself against all this scientific data that proves their products are bad for us. This story is developing, but Iâd like to give a shout-out to local and national leaders who, upon learning that a product was dangerous, took swift action to prevent unnecessary harm. Unrelated, but worth mentioning: more people will have died from guns on the day you read this article than have ever died from vaping.
Local Animal Updates
According to KVAL, a bobcat sneaked into a rural school outside of Eugene last week. The principal was notified of the wildcatâs presence in the main office by an observant parent who said: âThereâs a bobcat!â The principal reported that he then exited the office and closed the door, protecting both the cat and the dozens of nearby schoolchildren who probably would have been very delicious. A team of wildlife experts was able to safely capture the bobcat, only to euthanize it. Sorry, student bobcat! I hope that a taxidermist stuffs the bobcatâs body and then the school displays it both as a mascot and as a warning to other wild animals who might be thinking that there wonât be any consequences for sneaking into the principalâs office.
Here in town, police officers helped to rescue a liâl baby owl who was trapped on a busy East Portland street while being attacked by crows. Officers kept the hooter cozy and safe until the Audubon Society arrived to take the owl in for veterinary care and rehabilitation. The Oregonian broke this adorable story of attempted murder by murder (get it... murder? Murder of crows? Murrrrrder? Forget it), and I am happy for evidence that police officers are capable of deescalating a situation without the use of force. I also hope that officers will always treat humans as kindly as they did this sweet baby owl, who I think should be named... Officer Hoots. (Coming this fall on ABC, right after Stumptown.)
More Animal Cops, Plus an American Treasure DRAMA
Speaking of animal cops, I have the best gossip for both you and your parents (and probably also your grandparents): Happy Days actor Henry Winkler recently went on Bravoâs Watch What Happens Live! and was prodded about an alleged feud with none other than Americaâs dad, Tom Hanks, which he all as good as confirmed. How is this possible?? Honestly, if it was anyone besides Henry Winkler, Iâd take Hanksâ side in a second, but thisâthis is confusing. Apparently it goes all the way back to 1989, when Winkler was unceremoniously fired from the Hanks film about being co-detectives with a dog, Turner and Hooch. According to People magazine, Winkler said, âLetâs just say I got along better with Hooch than I did with Turner.â To be clear: Hooch was the dog. [Most Fonzie voice]: EEYYYY!
Crap, I said I would keep this local. Okay, remember that party game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon? Iâll do that with Oregon: Tom Hanks was the voice of Woody in Toy Story, which also featured John Ratzenberger as Hamm, who was on Cheers with Kirstie Alley, who has resided in Southern Oregon for years; Henry Winkler is on Barry with Bill Hader who was on SNL with Aidy Bryant who shot Shrill here in Portland. This story is local. HAPPY?!
Rihanna Also Counts as Local News Now
Rihanna was on the cover of the November issue of Vogue to discuss her empire of fashion, makeup, and music, and to reassure her fans that there will be another album, eventually: âMe the designer, me the woman who creates makeup and lingerieâit all started with music. It was my first pen pal-ship to the world. To cut that off is to cut my communication off. All of these other things flourish on top of that foundation.â Rihanna also confirmed that the album will be âreggae-inspiredâ which has me feeling confused, but you know what? I will buy it. I mean, once I didnât see the magic in a freakinâ UMBRELLA, but Rihanna has a way of making everything cool. (Rihanna was in This Is the End with Martin Starr who is on Silicon Valley with Kumail Nanjiani who has had recurring roles on Portlandia, filmed here. Local!)
The Last Word
How about thatâeven the stuff you didnât think was about Oregon was actually still about Oregon! So much Oregon! We are everything! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Oregon is the sun. We light the day. We are the center of the galaxy. Weâll kill any envious moon. We may sometimes be masked by clouds and rain, but we are always there, making things happen and being extremely relevant in every national conversation and whatever Rihanna is doing. Gordon Sondland should probably be in jail, but I appreciate that, at least for now, he made Oregon a star.