Some Woman: Hello, this is Cynthia, how can I help you?
Me: Hi, Cynthia, I have a question about my account.
Cynthia: Sure thing. Let me pull it up for you. Oh! Ha ha, you are poor, which I hate!
Me: Yes, that’s what I’m calling about. I noticed that I got so poor that you stole a bunch of money from me, thus rendering me even more poor. Could I maybe have it back?
Cynthia: No, dummy! It’s ours now!
Me: But please?
Cynthia: No, it’s better off with us. You’d probably just spend it on goofballs.
Me: What’s a goofball?
Cynthia: I wouldn’t know. I’m not poor like you.
Me: Cynthia. Seriously. Could you just give me back some of my money? That you stole?
Cynthia: Okay. You can have $35 back.
Me: But that’s not even enough for ONE goofball!
Cynthia: That brings your balance up to negative $12.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.
Cynthia: …Ma’am?
Me: Well, at least this gives me an excuse to post that Louis CK routine about being broke.
Cynthia: That is a good bit.
Me: I love his work.
A Brief and (ONLY SEMI-) Dramatized Transcript of the Conversation I Just Had with My Bank
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From the above encounter, I can already tell you have Bank of America. Bunch of a-holes there.
That could have been a George Carlin bit. In fact, he even kind of sounds like him.
Why are you at a bank ?
Move to a local savings and loan. I did and when I closed the account at Chase they offered me $100 not to.
Hell the savings and loans ussually let you ride on a few mistakes a year.
Plus money staying local has a 5 time multiplier.
Bank of America is a stupid choice for a bank unless you want to pay for convenience of ATMs with the distinct possibility of being raped randomly by bankers over the phone, online and sometimes in person.