Now that I’m married, I’m only allowed to hang out with other married people (legally). Which is all fine and good except married couples say some of the most annoying things I’ve ever heard.
The worst one is “We are pregnant.” It’s annoying not just because it means we won’t be able to hang out with them anymore (parents can only hang out with other parents [legally]) but also because I know where babies come from. I don’t remember the part in freshman bio where the teacher said, “Normally in humans the female gives birth to the young, but if the mating pair is progressive enough, they somehow both manage to simultaneously carry the fetus.”
The same thing happens when people root for sports teams. “We scored!” Did we? You spilled nacho cheese on yourself in the middle of that play and proceeded to lick it off your shirt because “3 second rule.” You’re still going to give yourself the assist, huh?
It’s only ever positive things. “We scored.” “We’re having a baby.” Never “We choked in 4th quarter” or “We’re really hoping this baby fixes our problems communicating.” And it only ever starts at the pregnancy itself. You never hear “We’re pregnant. You see, we put our penis inside our vagina. And then we came and our sperm met up with our egg. Well, just to clarify. 50% of us came. The rest of us had to finish ourselves off quietly after ‘we’ fell asleep.”
New parents are like recruiters for the cult. Once couples stop telling us about how they’re pregnant, they start saying “Oh, you should have kids! It’s great!” We want to have kids eventually, but it’s so weird to pressure somebody into that. We’re not pandas. Have you seen the lines for good brunch places? We’re good on humans at the moment.
Almost as annoying is the phrase “I married my best friend.” No, ya didn’t. You married your boyfriend. Boyfriend is ABOVE best friend. Here’s the whole ranking system: Boyfriend > Best friend > Friend with benefits > Friend > Facebook friend > Frenemy > Fox & Friends.
If my best friend asked me to watch Gilmore Girls, I’d tell him to go to hell. But for somebody I’m sleeping with, the first couple seasons seem like a reasonable investment, and those shits are an hour long. Expressed as a formula, Boyfriend = best friend (for now) + humping + shitty TV.
What you’re really saying when you say “I married my best friend” is “I don’t have other friends besides this one, so I thought I’d lock it down while I could.”
We just read this column. I’m not sure how we feel about it.
And we’ll just start that Divorce Death Watch clock right now…
It’s impossible to break the “we” habit after the eventual divorce. I still make “we” statements all the time except now it’s for me and my cat and dog.
“We love that show!”
“We were tired so we went to bed early.”
“We’d love to attend your party.”
We’re thinking we may have heard these jokes before.
“Go fuck yourselves.”
@Joneser, you and your dog are welcome at any party I throw.
My sisters dog is a great visitor. I don’t want one of my own. I say we all the time, but theres no
one but my imaginary friend.
Joneser, you should start a blog dedicated to reacting to wedding/marriage stuff that you find on the internet. I’d read it.
I know this post is supposed to be funny, but getting serious for a bit, a partnership along the lines of marriage should turn into a “we” situation. Your partner should be your best friend, your team mate, the person who will have your back; You should always think in terms of “we” statements.
New parents, however, can fuck right off.
@Joneser, “The royal we”.
This column sucked. And what’s the deal with airline food?
Apparently being compared to Rooney was taken as flattery.