[Portland is home to many so-called “haunted” businesses, residences, and public spaces. (See “Portland’s Most Haunted Places [That You Never Knew Were Super Fucking Haunted]!” this issue for more examples.) But how haunted are they really? The Mercury decided to find out by picking four of Portland’s most famously spooky places and testing their alleged paranormality with SCIENCE. How? By purchasing the most scientifically stringent ghost hunting app on the internet, the Ghost Tracker EMF EVP Recorder™ from trusted Swedish ghost-hunting company LaxTon. This app comes with an EMF scanner (testing for electromagnetic fields, or “ghost stink”), a motion detector, and the ability to record EVP (electronic voice phenomenon), which doesn’t sound at all made up.
Did it work? Read on to find out, as the Mercury tests and then once and for all rules on whether Portland’s most ghostly places are “haunted as all get-out” or “bull-fucking-shit.” As always… you’re welcome.—eds.]
Lone Fir Cemetery: Haunted as Hell!
by Wm. Steven Humphrey
Let’s get one thing straight, people: When it comes to ghosts, I’m skeptical as fuck. I despise all things that are superstition-based (sorry God!), and when anyone mentions their “actual, really true” encounters with other-worldly spirits, my eyes get dangerously close to rolling out of my head. All that said…
Lone Fir Cemetery is straight up haunted, y’all!