KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP)—Despite being the 24th Democratic candidate to enter the race for the coming 2020 presidential election, Another White Guy has announced he is throwing his hat into the ring.
“Honestly, I never considered running for the presidency,” Another White Guy said to a packed room of reporters. “But someone has to stand up to Trump. And who better than Another White Guy?”
And he may be right—only two hours after announcing his candidacy, Another White Guy has leapt to the top of the polls, followed by Another White Guy opponents such as Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Pete Buttigieg.
While some ask whether Another White Guy can differentiate himself from the other white guys in the race, Another White Guy remains confident.
“America is a vibrant, diverse country that has many voices,” Another White Guy said. “And who better to represent those voices than Another White Guy? Who will protect a woman’s right to choose? Obviously, Another White Guy. Who will stand up for gay rights? Another White Guy! And who will finally give voice and representation to people of color? Do I really need to answer that? Okay, fine… Another White Guy!”
Despite his abundant confidence, Another White Guy seemed momentarily taken aback when asked if it might be better for the party and the nation if white guys like Another White Guy would step aside to make room for non-white guy candidates such as Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren, or Cory Booker.
“Umm… okay… I don’t think you understand,” Another White Guy replied. “I’m Another White Guy, okay? Those other guys? They are not Another White Guy. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all amazing. But America doesn’t elect amazing people. They elect Another White Guy. Another White Guy doesn’t scare or intimidate voters, like an Elizabeth Warren with all her ‘intelligent, detailed policies.’ I speak in broad, vague generalities—and that’s the way America likes it!”
While admitting it may be difficult to hold his current position on top of the polls, Another White Guy feels certain his particular talents will propel him to the White House.
“I do this—I enter this race—because I know I have the necessary attributes for this job: I am white. I am a guy. And most importantly, I am a white guy. America is begging for Another White Guy! And I hear your cries, America! Another White Guy is heeding your call!”
Another white guy (yeah, I read your “bio”) writes article for “news”paper owned and operated by other white guys that disparages another white guy.
White guilt is a helluva thing.
This column is amusing and makes a really important point. But it isn’t very woke of you to label Pete Buttigieg as “another white guy” and suggest that he should be stepping aside to make room for a member of some trendier minority. Being white and male comes with privileges but it does not erase the oppression gay people face. Anti-gay oppression has resulted in a world where hardly any openly gay elected officials of any kind have ever been elected anywhere and Mayor Pete would be the first ever openly gay major party candidate in US history. LGBT people deserve representation in government just as much as women and people of color do, and a victory for us is not coming at other minorities’ expense.
Everybody is complaining about who is running. Well, who the fuck do you support? If nobody, who would you want to run? Are you running? Nobody will tell you who their pick is. Nobody. Who do you like? Well, its too early to tell, you see. I’ll let the process work it out. Make a fucking pick. Take a stand. Make a decision. I support Biden. There you go.