Last night Comedy Central presented their roast of Justin Bieber—and of ALL the acts, which included some very funny people, it was Martha Stewart (!!!) who gave the most mic-dropping performance. Check out her brilliantly deadpan delivery, and absolutely FILTHY burns that she perpetrates upon her co-hosts. YOU WILL NEVER SEE HER IN THE SAME LIGHT AGAIN. (Audio NSFW!)

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)