Oh hello, I didn’t see you come in. I was just sitting by this fake fireplace petting a corgi that is not my corgi and drinking a hot chocolate spiked with more chocolate, just like I do every January as I agonize over my definitive list of things that are disinvited from the Earth in the new year. This isn’t some pedestrian kvetching; this is a list of highly relevant, exquisitely topical, easily digestible nuggets of indisputable taste. This simple list can fix 90 percent of this city the world, if only it were followed to the letter.
Or maybe they’re just jokes.
Whatever they are, thanks to a booming newspaper industry, you’ll have to look at them staring at you from newsstands for twice as many weeks as my previous lists. So rest assured I’ve put twice as many minutes into writing them.