Phew! What… a… day! Let me tell you, it’s super tiring to secretly run the country from behind the scenes. That’s why I love the refreshing, delicious taste of Dannon© Yogurt. It’s the perfect pick-me-up after a long day of shaping foreign policy through the lens of white nationalism, and… wait. WaitwaitwaitwaitWAIT. What the… what the fuck? WHO PUT HAM IN MY DANNON©?
What is this? Some kind of sick joke? Putting HAM in a perfectly good tub of Key Lime Dannon© Yogurt? That’s fucking disgusting! What kind of monster would put HAM in YOGURT? I know Dannon© didn’t do it! They only make delicious flavors like strawberry banana, peach, strawberry kiwi, vanilla, strawberry, and my favorite: key lime. And I know for a fucking goddamn FACT they don’t add any HAM!
So admit it: Which one of you fuckers put HAM in my Dannon©? Oh, let me guess: the fucking LIBERAL MEDIA. You losers just couldn’t accept that you were 100 percent WRONG about the election, and then got MAD when I rightly told you to “shut your mouths.” But this is how you retaliate? By putting HAM in my Dannon©? Real mature, guys! REAL MATURE.