Look: I’m not in the business of telling you what to do with your life… hold on, that’s incorrect. Telling you what to do is literally my business! I literally come to work every day and publish exactly what I think you should be doing with your life! Soooo… WHY AREN’T YOU DOING IT?
Example: In the past week I’ve asked at least 25 people the same question: “Are your tickets for the Ariana Grande concert on the floor or upper level?” And every time I get the exact same answer: “There’s an Ariana Grande concert?” To which I always respond, “YES, YOU DIPSHIT! It’s Tuesday, April 30 at 8 pm at the Moda Center! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? GOD!!!”
At this point, the person either runs away or crawls beneath the nearest heavy object. But before you jump to any wrong-headed conclusions, let me make one thing crystal clear: I am the victim in this scenario.
