Late last month, Haley Adams—who pals around with alt-right dum-dums Patriot Prayer, and fancies herself a men’s rights activist (eyeroll)—tweeted that she was very interested in establishing her own newspaper, “so that for the first time, PDX can have a press publication that isn’t vehemently slanted in favor of the militant fascist left.” (I’ll admit that the Mercury prefers the “militant fascist left,” but mostly because they have the best snacks.)
Well, as someone who’s been cranking out militant leftist newspapers for a quarter of his life, here’s my advice for Haley:
DO IT! DO IT! DOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!
I love, love, love this idea, and agree that Portland desperately needs a newspaper that directly appeals to angry Under Armour-wearing white dudes who hate bicycles, homeless people, gun legislation, and women who refuse to fuck men with severe personality disorders. Why isn’t there a forum for these sad, underrepresented snowflakes to voice their regressive, backward opinions? (Besides in the Oregon Live comments?)
That’s why Haley should DO IT! DO IT! DOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!
In fact, to show my support for this project, I’m willing to share the vast entirety of my newspaper-making knowledge to help make Haley’s dream a reality.
So, HERE’S HOW YOU MAKE A NEWSPAPER: First, find $9 million. That should keep you afloat for the first three years. Now I agree, that’s a lot of money! But remember, you’ll need an office, as well as employees who require annoying things like insurance and a regular paycheck. They’ll also claim to “need” computers, paper, color printer ink, notepads, pens, highlighters, Post-it notes, an endless supply of coffee (regular, decaf, half-caf) and snacks (regular, gluten-free, vegan), a poster of either a kitten or Drake, desk lamps, staplers, telephones, and stand-up desks that they’ll abandon after two weeks because “it hurts my back.”
But wait! That’s not all! Get ready to hand over your ass, because you’ll also be paying for printing costs, distribution, newspaper boxes, website hosting, payroll services, postage, freelance writing/art/photography, random lawsuits (yours will be of the sexual harassment variety), and employee morale-building events that always seem to lower morale by at least 38 percent. Soooooo… yeah! First of all, find $9 million. Actually, make it $12 million, just to be safe.
DO IT! DO IT! DOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!
Next, hire a great sales staff (you won’t find one better than the Mercury’s, but good luck), a crackerjack art director (maybe that Pepe the Frog guy?), and to write your articles, a bunch of opinionated buttholes (of which you seem to have an endless supply). And… BAM! You have a newspaper that will accurately represent the viewpoints of a handful of sexless ignoramuses who are still going to be laughed at and ultimately ignored by everyone else. But by all means, raise your $9 million ($12 million to be safe), and DO IT! DO IT! DOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!
Yer pal in the newspaper business,
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Editor-in-Chief
Portland Mercury
Excellent.
Rumor is that she has her hands full running the PNW Proud Boys, who all hang obediently on her every word. What with running a “western chauvinist” fraternity, I doubt she has time to launch a paper.
You are an uneducated fool. But that works, because so is your audience. You are truly a bad person however. You’re pure evil. You are harming our community, our state, our country and our world. If there is a silver lining it is in the fact that you exist, it’s that the American economy is strong enough to employ even someone like you. It’s good to know that even a completely uneducated trolling person like you has a job. It is unfortunate that you have a platform like this though, and that some kid out there will read your nonsense and think it’s real. Oh, by the way, have you looked in the mirror, you’re a “white dude”…
I’m with Nexcal! You guys at Mercury are so mean, wow! You haven’t met Haley in person but yet you “know all about her”. In as much as she has a valid point about all the left-wing media in Portland I doubt she could afford to start her own newspaper. But your verbal attack on her is just proof that we need to hear the other side of what people like you are trying to cram down our throats! Go get ‘em Haley!
Lol.
The rallying cry of the radical right: “You guys are so mean…wow!”