I know what readers want—to be reminded (or “editor-splained”) when they’re doing something wrong, and how to fix it. Example: In a recent column, I instructed you on the proper way to write me emails. (Stop writing the entirety of your letter in the subject heading! You’re not helping your case!) You also seem to need advice in another area of reader/editor communication: VOICEMAILS. As always, I’m overjoyed to provide the education you so desperately need.
VOICEMAIL TIP #1: Give me a reason to call you back.
Here’s a voicemail I recently received: “Hey, Wm. Steven Humphrey! I have a story for you that’s absolutely bananas! Call me back!” I WILL NEVER CALL YOU BACK. Why? Because when I do, your story will most likely be about how you’ve trained your cat to catch Frisbees. True, that is bananas, but I was hoping for something a bit more… newsworthy? However! If your story is about Mayor Ted Wheeler running an illegal “Frisbee-catching cat training ring”? OH, I will DEFINITELY call you back. Just tell me a little bit more about the story in your voicemail, okay?
VOICEMAIL TIP #2: Don’t fucking freak me out.
“Hello, Mr. Humphrey. Todd Bilson here. 555-5555. Call me back.” I WILL NEVER CALL YOU BACK. Sure, you could be the Todd Bilson with a hot scoop about Ted Wheeler’s illegal Frisbee cat training camp, or you could be the Todd Bilson who wants to describe in excruciating detail how he wants to insert his hand into my rectum, pull out my intestines, feed me those same intestines, and repeat the entire process on an infinite, never-ending loop. Just tell me what you want, Todd Bilson.
