In this issue of the Portland Mercury newspaper periodical gazette, our staff upholds a grand and glorious tradition: bitching about all the stuff that annoys us and banning it from the face of the Earth. It’s called “Not Invited Back (To the Coming Decade)” and you can read it here if you love self-serving negativity squirted all over your face.
However! While you’ll find a healthy pile of bitching from me in that article—on topics which include, but are not limited to, fried chicken, people who can’t mind their own goddamn business, and Baby Yoda—I prefer this column to take on a more productive tone. This is why, instead of telling YOU what YOU’RE doing wrong (which I have to admit is a lot) I’m going to focus on ways I can improve myself and better serve you in the coming year. Huh? What’s that? Oh, you’re welcome. Anyway, here are my resolutions for 2020:
You shouldn’t be using Facebook anymore because… fuck it. I could add a billion links to a billion articles about all the horrible things that Facebook has done to this planet and the people on it, and you would still use it. So I’m just going to say this: TEENAGERS ARE LAUGHING AT YOU. I know this because I am the owner of a teen, and I hear her and her many friends howling with cruel laughter about how the “olds” continue to use Facebook, much in the same way we laughed at the boomers on MySpace. Facebook is already dead—you are the pacemaker that’s keeping its corpse alive. So do the right thing in 2019 and pull the plug. (Wow! My resolution was to destroy Facebook, and I pretty much just did it! So far 2020 is going AWESOME for me!)
