In case you’re wondering, I generally try to avoid using my prestige as the editor-in-chief of a major metropolitan newspaper to benefit myself. (Yes, yes, I know Trump does this sort of thing all the time, but that doesn’t make it right, y’know?) HOWEVER! Today I’m going to use my bully-pulpit to propose something that would greatly benefit myself and the world at large: Burn every grocery store self-checkout lane to the ground and salt the earth.
Never has there been a more insidious invention than the grocery store self-checkout lane. I refuse to identify the store that has caused me the most heartache—okay, fine, it’s QFC… but only because, when it comes to the exquisite Spanish Inquisition-style torture their checkout lanes inflict upon their customers, I’ve found no equal.
On any given day—but usually the busiest times—my local QFC has one… mayyyyyybe two… actual humans working checkout, which results in lines snaking back to the frozen Stouffer’s. So if you’re like me, in possession of three to 12 items, the lure of self-checkout is practically irresistible. Unfortunately it’s an abusive relationship—one that keeps me fruitlessly hoping, “Maybe self-checkout won’t ruin my day this time.”
It’s always the same: After plopping my basket next to the computer screen, I’m beckoned to “start by scanning any item.” I scan a banana… which is clearly too much for this system to handle. The screen informs me it is “Contacting sales associate.” The saddest, most emotionally damaged employee in the world approaches, silently punching buttons and swiping a card to reset the machine. Naturally, this doesn’t work, and the employee heaves a deep sigh from within her tortured, empty soul and tries again. The banana is approved.
