Welcome to the January doldrums, buttholes! (And rest assured, “butthole” is my deepest term of affection.) Query: Can we all agree that January fawking suuuuuuuuuucks? Forget the abolishment of daylight savings time—January needs to pack its bags and fuck off in the nearest Uber. There is literally nothing good about it. It’s rainy, depressing, and brings out the worst in people… especially Donald Trump, who simply can’t stop committing crimes right in front of us, every (clap!) single (clap!) freaking (clap!) day!
But here’s the thing: Until both January and Trump are arrested and put into a public stockade where we can pelt them with charcoal smoothies (another crime against humanity), it’s up to us to figure out some way of surviving and thriving, and that’s no jiving. (High fiving!) BUT HOW? Friends, when I find myself wallowing at the bottom of an emotional garbage pit, I turn to the “good book”: The Complete Unabridged Compendium of Every Rap Lyric Ever Written by Salt-N-Pepa.
If you would, please turn with me now to page 339 of this sacred hymnal, and let’s read Chapter “Shoop,” Verse 57. And lo! The prophet Pepa spake unto her man, “Getcha lips wet, ’cuz it’s time to have Pep.” Let’s ruminate on this verse for a moment. Now, if one is reading the lyric literally, Pepa is instructing her latest sex partner (the “bow-legged” one, rather than the “man in the three-piece suit” who arrives later), in the finer points of oral gratification. But! She also insists that her suitor display enthusiasm for the act—AKA “pep.” So in order to please Pepa, the gentleman caller must (A) get his “lips wet,” thereby showing clear intent, and then (B) display the requisite amount of “pep” (unbridled enthusiasm for the act). Otherwise Pepa will have no other choice than to issue the stern warning displayed in Chapter “Push It,” Verse 37: “Better make it fast or else I’m gonna get pissed.”
Okay, so what does this have to do with January, the most diabolically awful month of the year?
