Last week, I wrote a hilarious piece of festive sketch comedy for a radio program (that shall remain nameless) about how Santa is dead. I was told it couldn’t be aired, not because it was too dark (it was too dark, but that was a secondary problem) but because a kid might hear it in the car and be crushed. I’m not setting out to crush children’s spirits, but how on earth did I end up having the responsibility of lying to other people’s children? If you want to lie to your kids, fine. Awesome. Lie away. Bring other adults in on the lie, even. But you can’t assume that all adults are automatically going around lying just in case your kid is listening.

In 2011, a newscaster in Chicago was inundated with hate mail after mentioning on air that Santa isn’t real.

You guys, Santa isn’t real. That’s a true statement. [Alex is full of shit. Santa is SO real.—Editors] And if there’s one place that should be able to say true things without coming under fire, it’s news programs.

Newscasters shouldn’t be expected to help you manipulate your children into behaving themselves. That’s your job and yours alone.

Even worse, pretty much every news station in the country broadcasts video from NORAD tracking Santa as he leaves the North Pole. The people in charge of protecting us from nuclear war are participating in a program to lie to your kids.

When I ask parents if they’re lying to their kids about Santa this year, I frequently hear some version of this: “I don’t want my kid to be the one telling other kids on the playground that there’s no Santa.” People are worried that their child might accidentally say something TRUE in mixed company. That’s an insane way to parent.

For the record, I love lying to kids. If you want me to help you lie to your kids about pretty much anything, I’m down. But you have to ASK FIRST. And then offer me something. “Hey, Alex. Will you dress up as Big Foot and tell my son that if he doesn’t clean his room you’ll rip his arms off? I’ll buy you pizza.” Done! That’s how the system should work. But I you can’t just expect me to know that you told him about Big Foot’s issue with messy bedrooms.

Alex is a moderately attractive comedian and Internet celebrity. He writes about philosophy, robots, travel, and himself.

12 replies on “Yes, I’ll Lie To Your Kids, But You Need To Say “Please””

  1. When I was about two years old or so, my mother told me that we would play a game; that she and my dad would pretend to be Santa Claus and put presents under the Christmas tree. Then she had me repeat back to her what she had said. She probed further to make sure that I correctly understood what she meant. Mom repeated this conversation several times before Christmas shortly arrived.

    On Christmas day when I woke up before my parents and found the presents under the tree, I went to awaken both of them with the news. Mom said, “Oh, Santa Claus must have brought you the presents.” I replied, there is no Santa Claus; that’s just you and Dad. She said, “No, it was Santa Claus.”

    I just laughed and thanked her for the presents.

  2. IT WAS ASKED WHEN SOCIETY AGREED UPON A CHERISHED AND TIME-HONORED HOLIDAY TRADITION THAT DELIGHTS MILLIONS AND INSTILLS A SENSE OF WONDER IN CHILDREN. YOU, SIR, ARE AN ASSHOLE. GOOD DAY.

  5. Playground talk forced me to lie.

    Other bitches kid: “Can’t wait for Santa to come this year”
    My bitchen kid: “Santa isn’t real”
    Other bitches kid: “Your mom told you that? Your mom has a penis head”
    Me: “I understand mommies head kinda resembles a penis. Fine, Santa is real, lets bake cookies.”

  8. when all children reach the wizened age of 5 years they should be sat down for a mandatory viewing of Billy Bob Thornton’s holiday classic “Bad Santa”.

  12. I doubt any child over the age of 6 really believes Santa is an actual person….its been awhile for me, but I am pretty sure my Uncle left me that present. Which in the grand scheme of things was just fine

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