The following police training video from the ’80s (and presumably shot in Minnesota?) spotlights the difficulties of encountering dickheads in Corvettes with pocket knives, face stabbings, and mustachioed suspects with broad swords. (Note: The humor in this video is dampened somewhat because of this.)

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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