After the horrible failure that was my Discomfort Zone we are now determined to make our next contestant—News reporter extraordinaire Sarah Mirk—suffer like no one has ever suffered before. The problem is, Sarah loves everything. Clowns? She thinks they are hilarious. Nazis? She also thinks they are hilarious. Denis Theriault’s collection of vintage amputee erotica? She admires his steadfast devotion to diversity.
To make matters worse, the camping trip with Furries event is already sold out (or, Sarah secretly bought out all the remaining tickets in order not to go) and our lawyer said we can’t force her to go to this and fight a stranger.
Thankfully we have been inundated with a few other suggestions from our cruel readers, the best/worst of which are below.
DebbieTay Comedy Hypnotist
Two things we know about Sarah: she has never laughed and she has never been hypnotized. I can’t promise this event will take care of the former (just watch this depressing video that looks like it was filmed in the basement of the Red Lion), but perhaps she will fall under the spell of this comedy hypnotist and dance the “Funky Chicken.” We should probably film that. Fri Aug 5, Multnomah Arts Center, 7688 SW Capitol Highway, 8:30-9:30 pm
It’s Getting Hot In Here! Lingerie and Underwear Party
Due to my inability to write in the prose known as “rapey,” I’ll let the event’s description take it from here: “Lola’s room is known for getting pretty hot when people get moving, so we thought it would be fun to throw a lingerie and underwear party. Or swimsuits. Or anything that feels suitable for an event called, It’s Getting Hot in Here. (there will be a ‘clothes’ check available).” I guess the title “Megan’s Law: The Dance Party” was already taken. Fri Aug 5, Lola’s Room, 1332 W Burnside, 9-12 pm
Gathering of the Eagles
You wanted it, you got it. But beware, this Tea Party gathering—featuring Herman Cain, the token black Republican all Tea Party members namecheck in order to not appear racist—is the sort of thing Sarah is into. It’s newsy, plus she has been to one before. Then again, a full day on a ranch in Jefferson, OR might help Sarah become less of a Pinko and more of a true American. Sat Aug 6, Ames Ranch, 4135 Paradise Hill Dr, Jefferson, OR, 8:30am-7pm
Liquid Blue
Who? Oh, you know, “America’s Best Dance Band” and “America’s Best Independent Artist,” which are fake titles this painfully sincere covers band just arbitrarily gave themselves. Watch this video/informercial and then get back to us. Thurs Aug 4, Refectory Lounge, 1618 NE 122nd Ave, 7pm
Voting ends tomorrow (Wednesday) at 3pm. Do your worst.
The Tea Party gathering is being held in Jefferson? Irony intended or just beautifully coincidental?
“the camping trip with Furries event is already sold out”
I’m going to beat Graham to the punch and call shenanigans.
None of the other choices look enticing after imagining Sarah at a furry campout. I’ll let the rest of you choose while I go stare at the wall disconsolately for a bit.
The best idea would be to just have Sarah crash the Campfire Tails party & tell them she’s ‘on the list’.
Barring that, BRA PARTY!
meh. try harder next time.
Oh, this would be a much less comfortable Debbie Tay to hang out with, but alas, its not the same one from my childhood:
The Space Lesbian is dead. BY A.J. BENZA, Sunday, May 07, 1995
Debbie Tay, the topless dancer, cable access TV host, perennial Howard Stern guest and former heroin addict was found dead at a friend’s Alphabet City apartment last week with 20 open bags of smack and the works by her side, friends said. Tay, who had been off the junk for nearly a year, apparently went back for a little taste one last time. It was one time too many. Like Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, Tay checked out at 27.
None of these options are sufficiently horrible to fit the likes of Smirk.
What happened to motocross at Washugal ?
Or camping at Pickathon as a Furry ?
Don’t send her to the lingerie party. She writes a sex column and went to Slutwalk. It will only result in yet another “I thought it was going to be douchey but they were all really nice people” columns.
As much as I know she might be into it, I voted for the Tea Party event. Even if it doesn’t actually make Smirk suffer, at least the resulting column could be potentially interesting.
I’m voting Eagles. It will actually make a decent story. And I’m not sure I feel comfortable voting to send someone to an underwear party. I’m just not that cruel.
Lame sandwich. Wilamette Week cover stories have more edge. What this stunt has become is the most dissapointing thing The Merc’s ever done. For shame.
I worry that Sarah Mirk is already used to ignoring swarms of douchey guys. At the event the pack will ignore her and chase after the kind of girls who like swarms of douchey guys. Her article will be written from the sidelines and contain no startling, novel moments.
Hopefully instead she will use this opportunity to play “Sorority Sister for a Day” and attempt to discover why women would unironically attend this event. I think this could be done respectfully and would yield an interesting perspective from a group that isn’t typically represented in the Mercury.
I’m experiencing major voter apathy. Call me in 2012.
But the Mercury already reports on the Tea Party’s happenings! How is that uncomfortable? It’s just news.
At this point just send her to Seaside and make her stand in front of the windmill at Ten Tiny Tees in the corn suit with her legs spread for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon.
Another write-in vote for the Washougal motocross — it is very unlikely that she would even return from that event undamaged.
I’ll suggest a slight codicil requirement, should this worthy event be selected:
She can arrive there at any time in the day, as long as she is in attendance on the grounds for at least two hours, and she leaves after the last race is run.
The other suggestions are lamer than a “Best of Portland” issue.